My fiction exploration

I started reading again. It was funny after I graduated that I didn't want to read anymore and slowly I started to pick up books again. I even got myself a library card. Which is sweet because I get to read these books for free. I know that's the point of the library card but after being in school where buying books was an 'investment', the new novelty of getting books, reading them, and getting more without money being exchanged. Novel. Yet exhilarating.

I went and started reading Faulkner's As I Lay Dying. I tried to read it but i just couldn't get into it. Then I realized that there were no book reports to write, discussion groups to join, connections to be made with the classes I was taking and i went and returned the book. It was an exciting moment because it gave me the freedom to make new choices.

My favorite book has been Franny and Zooey (Salinger). It was such a beautiful conversation about life, faith, decisions, and the burden of knowledge. I think with all that has gone in my life the last six months this was just what I needed to read. It has been awhile since I had read a book of nonfiction that really drew me in and captured my attention. I don't know what I had originally thought the book would be about but whatever I thought was way off. A not so simple conversation between siblings.

That's all I really have to say at this moment in time but I am sure there will be more thoughts later. Being in a quiet home is so different and I am still trying to adjust. I am going to try to write more. I need to. I feel a bit rusty....

a simple pleasure

There is not much more in life than when it rains for me. I think because it is so rare that opens up old memories, old coping rain mechanisms that come into play. I think it’s the soothing noise, the quietness of the every going city that has been asked to stop for just a moment. In the winter I am used to the snow and now I am becoming accustomed to rain instead.

Tonight there was laughter and now there is just the sound of rain and beautiful soft melodies to remind me what I have in my life. The rain calms me. The rain had me boil water and insert a tea bag into my favorite mug. The rain has me curled up on the couch in a blanket left behind from miles of traveling. The rain has guided me to the sounds of Miles Davis. And the rain has left me to my own thoughts and to my own healing.

I have been run down and tired, plagued with a cold and the desire to just lay on the couch. I don’t have the time to be lazy but that’s all I can do. I have just finished the book Eat, Pray, Love from Elizabeth Gilbert. It was such a lovely book, one that set in me a chance to recognize where I have come from, my own depression, my own spiritual journey from moving out of that space. I found peace while reading the book and have come to a new understanding about myself. I loved the simplicity and the character of her honest portrayal of her journey. I loved the ability to give yourself over to the journey and see where the beauty of living and loving will take you. It’s opened me up to the next chapter of my life. I seem to be open to desire, to claiming what I want out of life. I want to see with new eyes and finally let go of all of my fears and step into this next part with the ‘what-ifs,’ buts, and should nots. I am tired of those phrases and tired of not living up to the potential of what my life can become. So thank you Elizabeth for revealing yourself and so by doing that revealing a part of myself to me.

I also am about to finish the collection of short stories by Miranda July called: No one Belongs Here More than You. These are really beautiful short stories that either touch your heart or make you flinch. She pushes the boundaries of humanity. She pushes your comfort level and where what you think now might not be the absolute finality. I love her easy flowing writing style. She has both wit and charm that is willing to test your boundaries but then fill you with hope when you think that we have reached a spot of empty.

The rain is healing and it looks like this is where my life is heading as well. The rain is washing away what once was and hopefully providing a new opportunity of what can be. That’s a cycle I can live with and place my hope and understanding into. Tonight is not a night for wishing for what I don’t have but being grateful for the things I do.

There is no limit to my love.

I thought I might spend my morning thinking of happy thoughts. I have been holed up on my couch for the last couple of days with a pretty brutal sinus thing. I was looking at my bookshelf glanced my eyes over books that have made my life happier and easier to make it through the tough days of being a Christian. There are a few books that made this journey bearable and often times easier to remember what love and grace is really about.

One of the first books I read that made me realize that there was more to being Christian than being Republican and Baptist was Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamont. I had this wonderful roommate, Sara Joy, that gave me it as a gift ( I think) or let me borrow hers. The details are fuzzy now but it doesn't really matter now as I have read and recommended the book many of times and don't even know where my copy is. This book is about the trouble of being human and wanting to desire and follow the life of Christ. Lamont encounters God through her life of growing in San Francisco in the 60's and 70s, being a drug addict and alcoholic, and wanting to change her life. She questioned her faith for awhile, felt God watching her like a cat, and one day turning around and saying: "Fuck it, I will follow you." Anything like that that is so raw and full of emotion draws me in. I love her honesty and her journey. I got to hear her speak last year and she was just lovely. You can not escape her honesty and her ability to sit, be, struggle, and wrestle is worth the time. She has also written a couple more like this: Plan B and Grace: Further Thoughts on Faith.

Dangerous Wonder was given to me the first summer I worked at Spring Hill. We read a chapter a week, engaging in the beautiful and simple writing of Mike Yaconnelli as he engaged into the burden that doing ministry presents and how to avoid living a boring life. That boring life I think is introduced by the church on a regular basis, we are afraid of messing up. We are afaraid of failing. We have all these books that introduce how to do all the right things and become stale and boring in the journey. Dangerous Wonder asks what it means to live out a childlike faith, that jumps without thinking, and dives in without being safe and secure. I think it offers the opportunity to live in grace and to live in the freedom that grace actually promises. We read scripture and it alludes to living in freedom but then we get into the church and it gives us new rules, new laws, new ways of being, offering freedom but really giving us chains. Yaconnelli reminds us to do something different...Life and living it without boundaries and limits. I want a gospel like that rather than always doing what someone else expects from you.

This book I finished just last week and I know it will forever change how I live and love. It throws out all the rules (do I sense a pattern here!!) towards living a faith that is burdened by law, lines, and boundaries. It asks how we can rethink living in grace and love. These things are hard to do and often we have been restricted by trying to do the right thing rather than living in the freedom that grace abounds to us. It offers the possibility that we don't have to opt IN to grace but we can choice to opt out of grace. I think that gospel is easier to swallow. It doesn't limit possibilities, gifts, or talents. I don't think it ever limits love or restricts where you want to give and offer to those around us. It pushes one to look for God in all things rather than looking for evil. We attract good things when we think of good things. I want that love. I want that grace.

So those are a couple of books that have impacted my life. They are good reads. You should read them.

The Fourth

For the past week I have indulged into the writing of Chuck Klosterman. I was first introduced to him by his writing in Spin and indulging into his quirky ideas in the book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. He is an everyday (wo)man's cultural critique. He has a way to express an idea that sometimes would look at my life and say 'of course you have that idea, you would be stupid not to.' He poses some of the most absurd questions but they let you sit back and reflect about human nature and when a similar problem arises within culture you oddly have solved the worlds problems and able to go on with your day.

Last week I picked up the paperback version of Chuck Klosterman IV. This is a collection of his essays and articles that could be found in array of magazines (Spin, Esquire, ESPN) or in the Newspaper (Akron Beacon, New York Times). I plunged head first into the book and sat back with laughter with many of the articles. Some of my favorite articles were his question of either the brilliance or stupidity of Brittany Spears (she doesn't see herself as a role model or used for her sexual appeal but claims to be an artist), The genius (literally towards their quest of education) of Radiohead, and his introduction to the man behind the hip-hop solo act the Streets.

My favorite article in the collection is his reflection on Johnny Carson. He reflects that there will never be another "Johnny Carson." Not there will ever be a great funny guy who will entertain a populace during late night TV (Conan). "The reason he was important was because he was the last universally shared icon of modern popular culture." This is so right on. The rest of the article reflects upon the movement of our culture and technology. We have an over abundance of culture and Johnny was the last cultural icon that EVERYBODY knew about. One can debate that but will you win? You might argue Hey Ya! from Outkast. "Hey Ya! was the most universally appreciated song of the past ten years, but it was sill a niche phenomenon, in order to know about OutKast, you had to care about music." This is something I need to remember all the time. We are not really one nation with one ideal anymore but we all take different paths to get to some sort of truth or meaning or significance.

I love me some Chuck. The book is broken into three sections. The first being Things that are True (includes footnotes and funny intros before each little ditty), the second Things that Might be True (have the funniest odd questions before the columns), and the Third is a fiction piece; Something That Isn't True at All.

I loved this book. It is something that pushed me to be a better writer. I hope that I can continue to read great pieces about culture and move my writing to being cynical, witty, or ask really great questions about our culture. I hope my sentences getting shorter but pack more punch. I want to not write the phrase: I think, and I want to writing on a consistent basis.

Why do we seperate?

I got into the Christian music scene when I was a freshman in college. My friend Andy Soper saw that I had some potential in understanding what music was and that i had style in fashion but not the musical knowledge to back it up. He insisted I put away the DC Talk and move over to this group called P.O.D. which I swiftly did and onto other records such as Stretch Arm Strongs Rituals of Life, MXPX's full catalogue, and many others. It was an addiction that started there and hasn't really stopped. Now it's a lifestyle, a love, something that always comes with me and has become a passion over many of the passions that I store.

This book chronicles all sides of the Christian music industry. In some ways it chronicles my life. He was at Cornerstone in 2004, my second adventure there full of heartbreak, but also the debut of Beauty From Within. He was at the Festival of Faith and Music where Sufjan Stevens played most of Seven Swans and Danielson was on amazing in his little tree. He was also saw Jay Bakker and Revolution at Cornerstone Florida, i was not there for that but life has been ever impacted and changed by their efforts. It was fun to see his point of view of these little festivals but it was also interesting to see his interaction with the Nashville music scene, the corporate politics of the big wigs in Christian music. To hear many peoples painful stories of trying to earn Gods love or make meaning out of their faith.


It was interesting to hear the wide array of stories but what the author found the most interesting or compelling were Dave Bazan from Pedro the Lion and Aaron Weiss from Mewithoutyou. He connected with their honesty and their authenticity something that i don't think he saw in a lot of the people he interviewed or came into contact with. I feel he saw their doubt and was attracted to that. There is something about not having all the answers and the ability to be real with your faith that people see and react positively. I know that my life has been forever changed by both of these bands. They help raise new questions as well as reveal what's longing in your heart. Real doubt or real fear that this life is not what you thought it was going to be. I think it's interesting to engage in that type of conversation.

He also raises questions that I have had for sometime. Why do we separate the Christian from the 'secular'? Other than worship music is there a need to create something that separates yourself from the rest of the quote on quote world? What is this life that we think that we have that is so privileged over the rest of the worlds? Aaron makes a point in saying that life wasn't so bad before Christ but with it brought a lot of pain and a lot of new questions. I think that is my struggle as well. Is the good news all that good news? Was Ghandi right when he said he liked our Christ but not our Christians? Can't we find God in the culture? We do we demonize people who were also created in Gods image?

I have a lot more questions than I have answers and I am definitely okay with that...

Quick thoughts

Well I finished the Potter book. My love for Harry Potter has never been a silent love but something that i have loved for a long time (see previous post). But i continually realize that life is a process. This is not a spoiler I promise you but I realize that love and friendship are all so important. Love is something that brings you closer to not only to your identity but to the identities of others.

I am tired. I am in a class that his way bigger than my current understanding. In some ways it is about understanding. It is towards understanding a text and how that makes meaning or value. Understanding our traditions and prejudices through this new understanding. In seeing this I have now realized how much I don't know about living. How much I have left to learn. What I bring is broken. i am not perfect and in this quest will never be perfect. That quest is silly, pushing in the wrong direction.

There are things in my life I am meant to do. Philosophy is not one of them. But getting to understand this will come one of these days. It is humbling to get a large swift kick to the ego.

This book is not like Harry Potter. In the day and a half that I read Harry it takes me hours to get through a couple of pages. This is not east nor fun reading. It is about interpreting the text. It seems overwhelming at time but there are moments where it makes sense. Just a few more days and it will be over. I know I am gaining knowledge but it hasn't clicked yet!

I burned myself with coffee today. It was all worth it for the comment that was made by Josh Martinez. I hate light coffee it is to acidic. The acidity is gross and it hurts my stomach and i told Josh that it tasted like ass. His response was priceless and made me laugh really hard...."ass is acidic, huh?".....or something like that!!

I am tired.

I am overwhelmed.

My thoughts have been pretty muddied lately. I will have a better post when this class is over and i am actively involved in life again....

all those creepy crawly things...?

Lately I have been faced to face with Marxism and Socialist thought. No, I am not a communist and don't really seeing myself put a label or moniker that I will be using anytime soon. But I appreciate the ideas and the theory. I find myself engulfed in the ideas because in some ways they have many similar points that line up with Christian community and wholism, and looking out for more than just myself. I think we always have a long way to go but I am glad i am choosing a path that is filled with the goal of togetherness than of personal achievement and power.

I say all of this because I joined a little book club with some friends at Fuller. We are choosing to read classics as well as some new ones that I have been wanting to read. We started yesterday with the Metamorphosis. A VERY short story from what I gather 1915 that really dealt with the transformation of a man into an insect. It shocked me that this man transformed was not bothered that he one day couldn't get out of bed and no less make it to work yet questioning the very nature of what makes us human or valued within our Western culture.

I walked away last night asking some questions that I believe are raised in the literature. How do we take care of those less than ourselves? How do we listen and interact with those that are disenfranchised? How do I now listen?

My friend Dave mentioned how this is really tied into Socialist ideas and beliefs. I thought it was lovely and it really continued to pull on the little heart strings that show and reveal how we put ourselves into class systems that limit people into entering. We show and pursue power in this state. We hold onto whatever power we have and use it to make ourselves feel comfortable and/or unique. I think our love is limited in these states. I think how we open our lives, trust, home, and food pantry is subjected to how we view what's right or normal.

What really is normal and how do we deal with people who are different than the life we (I) have taken so long to built. With Christ how is our lives different? How do we see with different eyes and hear with different ears?