A Culture of Fear?

I have been doing ALOT of school work lately. In the spare moments in between reading and assignments I steal moments of pleasure and get to read magazines. I love them. I want a lot of them but only have small moments to read a few of them. This month I have been working on ideas about hip hop culture and bought the new issue of Bust because I love it and it also had Eve on the cover.

The issue is interesting because it had an article about a woman who rode her bike from Winnepeg to Texas all by herself in less than two months. The one question she heard repeatedly was 'aren't you scared?' She explained that she was scared because everyone offered her a scenario that freaked her out. The only thing that was was a problem on her trip was that a racoon attacked her bag but not a scratch happened by another human being.

The question was raised of why are we so afraid? Why do we fear the unknown to a crippling degree?

I have been reading a book entitled After God by Mark Taylor. He offers that if we approach life within a post-modern context that we would discover our creativity and the ability to live within a space of unpredictability as well as being insecure and often times random. I think fear gets displaced in this setting. Why are we so afraid and why does fear limit us so?

I had the chance to lecture at a Women's History class at Pasadena City College. In the class I got the chance to offer hope for women and men to look at their gifts and talents as they encounter feminism. In the class I heard a bit of fear. Fear that change would disrupt their lives and that would not be a positive things but almost a negative. Change and fear work hand in hand often times. I think I am wrestling with this idea because fear and change are wrestling inside me. I graduate sooner than later and that promises that things will have to change and I will need to find a new way to use my time.

What do we do to ease our fears?
How do we move ahead without being chained to our fears?

These are my questions...what are your thoughts?

Christmas Time is Here

I don't normally get excited about the holiday season. I think I like my life manageable and when the holidays come around I get overwhelmed and a bit stressed because the money is tight or this is needed or something falls apart. But this Christmas as everything is already deconstructing a bit I will try something new this holiday season. Consumerism overwhelms me so I am making presents this year and asking others to do the same. So today I will be cleaning my apartment, seeing what I have to dive into new projects and getting rid of the things that sit around and gather dust....



Sufjan is going to kick me into the new season with a reminder of how lovely it is to be with the ones you love and that I love and serve something outside of my control. Spirituality is a beautiful concept, some days it feels like work but this holiday season I want to see with new eyes. If you are also in the Christmas music spirit the Sufjan Christmas album is streaming live from this link. If you are not familiar with Sufjan I want to ask where have you been the last couple of years ( I am sure the stories must be interesting)? But in case you were fighting anaconda in the Amazon Sufjan Stevens is a musician originally from Michagan but has grand orchestral pieces mixed with quirky creative story telling in his lyrics. The music is beautiful and the stories capture you in still soft moments. Please do me the favor and listen, buy, and watch him. He is a true artist and a beautiful, awe-inspiring artist/musician. I love him.

This Christmas I want to see love and hope. I desire to see embrace and beauty. I love Christmas cookies, hot coffee, and late night conversations with lighting lit by the distant Christmas tree. I think that this Christmas will be a moment where I choose to see hope rather than consumerism to fill a need.

I rarely sing Christmas songs but this is one of my favorites and being in California in winter is hard when you know there is snow on the ground in the place where you grew up...so enjoy. ... Chirstmas Time is Here.

Grace upon grace

Last week was overwhelming, draining, gut smashing, life altering, eye opening. I can think of other adjectives but I think you catch where I might be heading here. It seemed like anything that was holding me together decided to up and leave or break. I wish I was being dramatic but I am not. It was what it was and I have become a better person for it. I will spare the details but I noticed how I much I was trying to control my life. Trying to make sure nothing fell apart and nothing went out of control. When you hold on so tightly that is when it pops and breaks. And break they did....

The hardest part of it all being that I am a student was that my computer died. Something fried. It would only run the fan and not turn on. I had to let it go to the lovely people at apple for a week. It's amazing how I rely so heavily on technology and how it plays such a fantastic role in my life. Just sitting here on my lappie is so lovely as I listen to my ipod and texting friends on my phone. I love it. I am glad it exists in the world. I am also going to praise the amazing people at Apple here for a moment. My computer came back with a complete makeover. It has a new case (the old one was dropped so when you wanted to close the lid you had to shift it to the right and then close it), a new bottom case, a new keyboard, a new display. There is no longer my "Jesus is the Savior, not Christianity" sticker. There are no more scratch marks, hand smudged mouse track pad, the n is now shown once again on my keyboard. I feel really lucky that all this was fixed and now better.

I stepped back this week and realized the grace I have been receiving lately and the beauty of life that I am seeing with new eyes. I guess that was my prayer a while ago and I believe I am seeing with new eyes. I have received meals, flowers, candy, hugs, texts, emails, small notes of unexpectancy. I have been showered with a bit of hope. The grace was unexpected but I am so not going to lie that I needed it. I needed to see visual reminders of God and that there are good people in the world that when you hit the bottom will help pick you up, dust you off, and help you see that today was just kind of shitty and soon again something will be better.

It also doesn't suck when you make a great mixtape!!
Good Woman (Cat Power)
Be Not So Fearful (Jeff Tweedy)
no ones gonna love (band of horses)
Intuition (feist)
The Trapeze Swinger (Iron and Wine)
The Orchids (Califone)
You are Not Alone (Patty Griffin)
Shelter (Ray LaMontagne)
Wonderwall (Ryan Adams)
On and On and On (Wilco)
Rake (Sufjan Stevens)
Much Farther to Go (Rosie Thomas)
Acuff-Rose (Jeff Tweedy)
Your Hand in Mine (Explosions in the Sky)
Ode to the Irc (Band of Horses)


So I hope to be blogging more, getting my homework done, and/or procrastinating more....

A new start, a new look

The Fall Quarter starts on Monday. I have a lot to do this quarter and a lot to read and I thought I would try a little experiment and try to blog everyday during the week trying to follow certain cultural trends and add some of my thoughts and maybe a link or two. The goal is to continue writing. I need to practice so it can become clearer and I don't have the words I think preface every sentence.

I hope it to be something like this:
Monday--Something about our culture that makes me stop, think, and wonder why that is

Tuesdays--New Music (something that may be new to all ears or just new to mine. This might be the excuse I need to listen to more music or go through my collection and listen to things over again. I promise this won't be all about Wilco).

Wednesdays--Theology (Some thoughts on faith and why it interacts with culture or at least why I see it happening)

Thursday-- Film (Something I have seen or interacted with). I think this might be the toughest thing for me. I don't watch movies that often so this might be the opportunity I need to sit back, watch, and interact with something in this aspect of culture.

Friday--Random thoughts (maybe a picture, maybe a word, maybe this might be about art)

The new look I think separated my thoughts a bit better. I don't know what will come about this. I hope I follow through.

freedom.

I have been reading all day. The last couple of hours I have been reformulating some thoughts I have had for some time ago and they were shoved or shelved for a later day. I am in the midst of understanding some thoughts in Job that are taking to me some new places in my thinking but over all reaffirming what is happening in my mind and thoughts.

It is time we move from our many traditions.

This being said I know that now i need to defend it. I need to stand firm behind my overwhelming thought. This can no longer be a statement that we mention but really stand behind this and begin to move. Our traditions are weighing us down. We are hurting ourselves more than we are helping the church.

I am using the church because it is the last institution that is usually the one to move.

i use the church because it is archaic.

we can no longer go backwards. We can not stand with the feet of our forefathers. We can't because it destroys us, rather than to help us. We can't stand there with our feet in the ground saying that the traditions help us. Do they? Really, do they?

Our movement needs to be forward rather than back. I am sick of being in churches that do things without questioning anything. I am tired of emerging churches that look like they value art but they steal from the culture, add a few Jesus' or Christ's and call it spiritual. The culture is already spiritual. We have lost that in the church.

The church feels like a clubhouse where only members can come. It was like that Berstein's Bears book that I always read where the cover had Brother bear in a tree house where there was a sign that said NO GIRLS ALLOWED. Now we can let girls in but they have to play by there rules. I am bored by these rules. I don't want to play by them so I will go some place else. I will go where it is better. I will go where people are accepting of me. Because these places exist. They exist because the church failed. I am bored by it making me feel bad, unloved, unreceptive to grace.

I don't want to make a new denomination. I don't want to make a new building. I want to make something that is a safe place. There is some places that need rules there are others that need to be explored. We need to take our blinders off. We need to be bold and we need to be allowed to change.

We need to stand up for freedom, and originiality, we need to be bold and free. We can't stand there and take it. We are better than that. so we why do we allow ourselves to hurt and humilate? Why are we running after power and influence? Why do we think that I (we) are the only ones in the world that God is using. Wake up. Realize that we are not. It's time to move on. We are allowed to. God grants us freedom? Did we forget this? Did we forget that God gave it to someone else as well? That is community. That is what we are made to do.....

the ability to hear.

I lost my hearing in my right ear this weekend. It wasn't a drastic accident, just a misuse of a q-tip. I was a miserable person to be around and I hated the fact or even the thought of what it might be like to not be able to hear for the rest of my life. I am not the type to panic but a flood of horrible thoughts went through my head, dreams were lost, and my future became uncertain and shaky. I regained my hearing but those quick visions have not faded. Between hearing loss and the reading of Hunter S. Thompson's novel, The Rum Diaries, I feel like I have been challenged to look outside of my everyday life that I have choosen and at times feel are quick fixes, and look at the big picture.

I had to ask myself some big questions, what would my life be like if I couldn't hear?
What would my life be life without fully hearing and experiencing music?
What would my life look like without the ability to interact without something I rely on, on a daily basis?

The questions before this seemed a bit trite or empty. Yet this little loss made me look straight into my face and ask what I really want. I know I want to teach and I know I want to study culture. I know that what I love needs all of me and not just a part. I know that I what I want is attainable. I recognize that what is in my life I have attained. The what isn't is a little stickier to communicate. some things aren't there for a reason and others are what is wide open for the taking.

I don't know what the next parts of my journey is open for me. But what I do know is that it has to include music. It has to include me writing about it or critiquing it. It could include supervising. I don't know quite yet but the search is on and the questions need to be asked. The pain produced beauty. It was really worth it. The pain seems always to be worth it. It slaps you in the face and makes you asks the questions you were afraid to ask.

I am tired of sitting by and not making the effort to take a chance.

Taking a deep breath

Sometimes when you need it the most you realize what matters are the small i love yous from friends. Friends that love you no matter if you pass a class or not. Friends who see outside your own created limitations and boundaries. Friends who see you even when you can not.

I love that small glass of wine.
The ringer of my text message.
The little mail box that says that someone was thinking about you.

Little of my life is sure.
What I do know is love is needed and love is real.

every moment can offer beauty.
what eyes am i using to see?

freedom writers

I spent the evening watching Freedom Writers. I know I can’t watch movies like this because they really challenge me, I always want to accept this challenge, and I don’t know how to integrate them all. This is the question I have right now and I know that the response needs to be the church. How do people of faith respond with love? I really do believe it is seeking the needs of the community and walking into that love with a healthy response, not cramming our faith down their throats. That love speaks for itself. People know, people are not fooled. When we walk in that love things begin to happen that are beyond the control of ourselves….because it is not about us in the end it is about walking outside of our pain to see outside of ourselves.

I remember living in Cleveland and there is a moment where I sat on my floor and just stared at the mirror. There was so much pain in my life. I was following the wrong path. That path was not set up for me to win or to succeed but to understand the importance of walking with a limp. I see the pain as really important for my growth as a person who desires to do something bigger than myself.

It's amazing what time can do to heal wounds but the scars are there to remember what that is all about. I am not sad or angry anymore about my past but i do know how important it is to do what you know you need to do. Sometimes that means running hard and other days that means resting. I know that my life is just where it needs to be. It's amazing what the statement can do to soothe the soul. I am tired and I am weary but i know that I am in the right place.

I had this feeling when I was the women's director at Spring Hill a couple of summers ago. I knew in my heart that is where I needed to be and I never doubted myself, my gifts, or my ability to serve. Since being at Fuller that sense of clarity seems to be showing itself once again. A couple of weeks ago I decided to participate in a post-lent experience. One that was cleansing to the soul and cleansing to the eyes.

I know that everything has a purpose and a proper intent. The logic that once seemed to be the footholds of my life have turned to no longer take the weight or importance that I once had so hoped for.