A blog gone adrift

SO sorry for the lack of non-class responses. I have been busy moving, living, homeworking, traveling... In the midst of the chaos I have found some time to watching some movies and listening to old and new records alike.

Last weekend I watched the fabulous documentary Paris Je'taime which is a film of about 15 vignettes from different directors on their view of love, relationships, and the city of and surrounding Paris. The film is a fabulous little guy that made my little heart sing and raise new ideas on what it means to love others, myself, and the understanding of being in relationships.

The film is filled with snippets of beauty, pain, and wonder. I liked the agony and the success that tug on one another. I think there are beautiful modern representations of the undeniable need for love and what we put ourselves through and in to have these moments of connection and response. It's amazing what we put ourselves through to be in love and to desire love. It's one of the few entities in our life that we have little or no control over. We fall into people because of who they are and of who we are. Is this a choice? I am not sure and I think I am wrestling with these ideas. What is love, really? and what I assume is love and act out in love is only conditional to me and my thoughts and how I live my life. But is there limits to love? How do we REALLY fall in love? Is there really one right person?

For me, in a really vulnerable space is, yes. I think we can fall in love. I hope we fall in love with all kinds of people without boundaries and limitations. I hope love grows up out of the weeds and pierces our understanding of normalcy. I want love sometime to an achingly degree but I know that love sometimes appears out of nowhere. Love is that connection that we don't really have words for and you just love...

I don't know what I am trying to get at but the movie lifted my soul and the cinematography is fantastic..

I Feel it All

The topic of this week seemed to be over and over again: relationships. It's been awhile since I have been in one. Every once in awhile the topic will show itself a matter of importance and so the conversations began! For me I thought about where we learn the most about relationships. It's funny growing up there is this wierd expectation that not only when you receive some sort of diploma you also receive a wedding ring. Well I almost have a second diploma and I still haven't seem to graduate with the 'ring'. Anywho.....as anyone can see I relate a lot of my life to music and this experience is no different.

Rockin out in my car the other day with my friend Anna we got into a conversation about the music and lyrics of Feist. Her lyrics are beautiful and possess a lot of similar beliefs about love and getting through life. Some of my favorite lines are: The truth lies... Another would be: So much present inside my present/ Inside my present so...so much past. I think what happens with her lyrics is the relationships that happen when you are past the early twenties and you still haven't made a commitment to marriage. (IF you are married please don't take this the wrong way. I am trying to relate my own experiences with the experiences of a singer/songwriter that I have really resonated with). The song "Limit to Your Love" is a song that I resonate with every time I hear it. It is a story of how women give all of themselves in the relationship and the ones that don't really work have limiters that block the flow of what could be so amazing.

Pain and the relationships (or lack there of) that cause this type of pain seems to be a natural response in life. It seems like it has to happen so we can grow and develop as strong and healthy human beings. The pain has helped me grow as a woman. I would never trade the relationships I have had or haven't had. The pain and brokenness can sometimes be overwhelming but I am grateful for the experiences. These songwriters write so beautifully and capture a similar experience in their craft.

Rosie Thomas is another artist that I really value and appreciate. I have a friend who assimilated her life lately with the Kite Song. The lyrics say: Oh, tie me to the end of a kite/ So I can go on, I can go on with my life. Rosie has a way to talk about the tedious nature of your early twenties. This is the space where you maybe have figured out what you want to do with your life and you are trying to start living out all the starry-eyed dreams. These are the dreams of laying out in the grass and speculating about how great you will become as you overthrow the hands of oppression that seem so strong and mighty.

Another great song is Much Farther to Go. "I have much farther to go/Everything is new and so unpredictable/ I should just kick my heels together and go home/ But I'm not sure where that is anymore." Rosie and fellow songwriter, Denison Witmer, played at Fuller last spring. She introduced songs with little stories and antidotes. She explained the next song that she would be singing would be Death Came and Got Me, she said that it is a depressing title and to renew it she would call it, Life. That struck me as so true. There are the moments that swoop in and seem so unbearable, almost like something inside of you died. I don't know where I thought or what memo lied to me and said that life should be easy. It's not and I don't think we are promised ease. I think life includes the difficult moments.

I hope one day the right relationship comes along, until then I am grateful for women who are willing to share their experiences. They seem to be able to stand up one of these days, brush ourselves off, take a deep breath, and start over again. We learn from the brokenness and we breathe in the possibilities of what the future can hold.

In between relationships.

It's not a lie that I watch Sex and the City as MUCH as I possibly can. I watch it because I absolutely love it and I learn a lot about myself as well as my own perceptions about relationships. I think it's important that we explore different facets about relationships and ask questions of what is important.

Before my friend Charissa lent me all of the seasons I watched the show religiously on the CW (or the WB, whatever I don't know anymore). I realize now that I watch the full episodes in sequential order, or individual DVDs I know the whole story. The CW just shows the episodes with Carrie in a significant relationship (Big, Burger, the Jazz guy, the Russian) and yet you never see the in-between. Those moments where Carrie is not in a relationship. Those moments, in my opinion, are very important. It's important to know and understand how we feel in the in-between.

These are the moments that I am in. The in-between. Granted it has been about three years (gulp...) since my last relationship. I can't say that it has been easy since I move at the same speed as every new trend and that I might not be the simple, sweet, docile, girl so many men presume to want. I am grateful for the time off...I think. Don't get me wrong there are some days when that's all I have on my mind (like yesterday), but overall my work has become stronger and I am understanding who I am and what I want.

What I want is still TBA. I am still figuring that out. I am more stable than the past. I know where I want to head and if you are willing to travel there with me and I with you, that will make me happy. I don't need (nor desire) to get married tomorrow. I don't need to even be swept off my feet. I can honestly say that that stuff (and yes it's stuff) doesn't get me excited. I need something sensible. Even in my space where I am far from sensible.

So yes, the in-between...