stripped blankets and cold sheets.

I battle
back and forth
with the thoughts that
keep me bound
to this bed

i wonder what it would have been
like if i didn't think
about your body as it
laid so still
your voice so close to
my ears
and the smile that rarely
disapperead

i wonder what it might
be
if

if things were different
and the lonely nights
were filled
with laughter
and the acknowledgment
that we were no longer alone

it is these thoughts
that keep me now
staring out dark windows
to the sidewalks that are wet
and quiet
lone cigarette butts inhabiting the asphalt

your footsteps were there
on those cement cracks
i can see your feet
like the dream
that you once carried
in your tattered green notebook
and your sleep deprived eyes

I imagined you
and now what is real is
the blue pillow noticeably untouched.

wristcutters.

We won't get what we want until
it doesn't matter anymore.
Was expressed in a film.
but in my real life.
I talked about this idea over lunch.

how do we let go?
in a space where we are supposed
to have it all
and not trip over our failures
and have straight A's
while having children
and being married by the age of 22

I don't have that
but what i have is
a sense
of what is to become.

an idea that is whole
rather than fragmented
all those desires need to be trumped
with a smile and possibility
when my eyes open
to the sun arousing me
in the morning

and when the sunsets
i am there to remind you
that you will be okay
and that life happened
while you ran around today
fufilling your dreams

you have to let it
go
to a place
where your hands are free.

2+2=2+2=2+2

These feelings are being tucked away
the feeling that you are about to puke
or cower under your covers

how can a three minute interaction
be so damaging
how can a phone call disrupt
a smile
or a laugh
how can it hold you in a holding pattern?

how long can I run in circles?
i am tired.
for so many reasons
and this being on repeat isn't
making it any easier.

i want to break out of these cycles
can you find me?
can you pick me up?
and steal my records
so that i might not hear this
one more time
or at least feel like i could listen to
something else
that i haven't heard before

but i can't
just like so much of my life
i found the holes in the snow
and following that path
rather than creating a new one

the sweater is getting a little to tight
and i am tired of it smelling
like yesterday
and the yesterday before this one.
can you find me?
so I can start new patterns?
i am running pretty thin.