sigh.

When I left LA I left this blog behind.
I was so inspired when i was laying in my bed with blue walls
la cucaracha playing in my neighborhood
the fans hum
the noise
the slamming of the door
the cringe

i got home tonight and i sat on the couch
i have lost my stride
my original thought

i feel blank
i feel bored
i feel uninspired

yet i don't feel alone

i just want to find my path
i just want to find a home
to call my own
to not want to put on my feathered wings
and fly away

i just want something to feel normal
to pay my bills on time
to maybe save some money
to feel connected to the community
and have a place where i know is my home.

jobby mcjobberison

I am job searching today.
I think I may have mentioned this before
but it may be one of the most taxing endeavors.

I put hope in the idea that there is something out there for me
i am bright
talented
full of energy
life
love
faith

I know that the path is out there
and i know eventually it will be
clear momentarily

salt stained upon my windows

oh soul
there is something within you
waiting earnestly to break forth
to be set free

to find your match
to be connected
to another's fire
what eyes do you see?
what ears do you hear?

as i see it winding up
to move forward
to be used and reused
washed, cleansed

saeglopur pours from the speakers
and instantly my soul is
speaking a language
even i don't understand
and my eyes pour forth
with a mixture made with salt
that soul speaks on behalf

reminding me that beauty exists
that breathing is imperative
that being sweapt away in the moment
is as beautiful as holding your breath
and closing your eyes

and as the eyes re-engage with life
the surroundings look the same
but i have changed.

a question posed

If i could imagine a life where something made sense
would i have to be dead?

are things now supposed to be this way?
will questions always persist?
in satisfaction not guaranteed?

what keeps my feet from moving forward?
what keeps my hands so still?
as i question the answers seem trivial
as more questions continue to pile up

something has to stop for something new to begin.
ok
then stop. start. open.



close.

a moment

I made my coffee very dark this morning
it was a good mistake
the phone did not ring this morning
and that provided the opportunity to
relax my shoulders
ease my thoughts

it's so cold you don't want to step outside
but the sun bounces off the snow
and the birds decided to come out and play.
which i didn't realize
when i stood in front of the window
and i realized i could see the gold flecks on their
feathers

and i remembered the beauty
when you stop running so fast
and you remember what it means to breathe
and let in the possabilities

My fiction exploration

I started reading again. It was funny after I graduated that I didn't want to read anymore and slowly I started to pick up books again. I even got myself a library card. Which is sweet because I get to read these books for free. I know that's the point of the library card but after being in school where buying books was an 'investment', the new novelty of getting books, reading them, and getting more without money being exchanged. Novel. Yet exhilarating.

I went and started reading Faulkner's As I Lay Dying. I tried to read it but i just couldn't get into it. Then I realized that there were no book reports to write, discussion groups to join, connections to be made with the classes I was taking and i went and returned the book. It was an exciting moment because it gave me the freedom to make new choices.

My favorite book has been Franny and Zooey (Salinger). It was such a beautiful conversation about life, faith, decisions, and the burden of knowledge. I think with all that has gone in my life the last six months this was just what I needed to read. It has been awhile since I had read a book of nonfiction that really drew me in and captured my attention. I don't know what I had originally thought the book would be about but whatever I thought was way off. A not so simple conversation between siblings.

That's all I really have to say at this moment in time but I am sure there will be more thoughts later. Being in a quiet home is so different and I am still trying to adjust. I am going to try to write more. I need to. I feel a bit rusty....

mumbles

I am working on reading
the reading is to help my writing
something I seem to be doing less
because I have been reading more
to tighten my sentences
and produce a better sound
but the writing now seems to me a jumble
and the reading seems
to be taking me two steps back
rather than a baby step forward