wiping death from the eyes

Today may have been amazing and I wanted to document some of the moments. The moments that swallowed my soul and whispered in my ear: "you are still alive and I will remind you that you are not alone."











the conversations consisted of breakfast of pancakes and coffee, being inspired by blogs, knowing that I love music and being reminded of that, coffee and sexuality/relationships, beers and chemotherapy, thai and dinosaurs, laughter and videos, lars and the real girl and popcorn.

I know that I am loved and I can love. Where can the creativity sprout when my eyes see tomorrow?

We destroy what we erect.

I have been drawn, changed, and affected by the blog of Ryan Adams . He has a constant stream of thought. Some hard to swallow while others are so raw and so beautiful. To the point where whatever last piece of barrier or wall that I have erect seems to have fallen. I deconstructed it myself as well as the help of love. I am excited by the possibilities this means for my art work, my writing, my school work. The walls seem to have fallen and collapsed on the floor and I am looking at the rubble. The rubble that is my shoes, dirty underwear, the pants that I wore yesterday, the leftover coffee from last week.

The music is loud. The thoughts so fresh. The processing so necessary. I don't want to hide from anything. I don't want to rush or push. I want to let the thoughts be my guide. All the should haves and could haves and xpectations that have been placed upon me since I was a child are stripped away. I think this is what happens when we become new creations. I believe in creativity, and passion, and randomness. I believe in noise, and chaos, and staying up all night listening to the sounds someone else created and placed in your hands to find meaning. I believe we are supposed to be inspired and in the same breath turn around and bless other people.

There will always be new books to read, old records to discover, new ones to create. I want to help make whatever is a little bit better. Things aren't always supposed to make sense. Life isn't supposed to be that hard. We aren't asked to live a life without pain and until we accept that we will live trying to avoid who we are supposed to become.

Me, You, and Everyone We Know

I love a life that is quirky and imaginative. I love a life full of random moments and a life that can be surprising and wonderful and random. It is never easy nor simple. I think life is meant for risk tasking, surprises, spontaneity. It should be a life full of love or the pursuit of love, which means it is never absent of pain or brokenness. I believe that life without that heartache makes it kind of boring and/or selfish.

On that note I have been fascinated by the work from Miranda July . She is a performance artist and writer. In my mind she focuses on simple beauty and wonder. It's these small things that make our desires bloom. She often times pushes boundaries towards understanding our limitations and I really value and appreciate who she is. She made a film in 2005 that seemed to be a collection of performance art pieces but they are threaded together through the lives of different peoples experiences. I have been thinking about this film for awhile and I have been moved and shaken from her honesty and creativity.

This is a clip from the film. It focuses on this walk to her car and her willingness to risk for something that she desires. It's simple and elegant.


The rest of the film is something similar to this. It pulls your heart strings. It pulled my creativity outside of itself (my creativity has been stuck for awhile). Between this film and Alan Kaprow's exhibit I have been moved and shaped. This type of art, the little ones every day, can add up to a life full of wonder and spontaneity. I want this kind of life. The push and pull. The willingness to lay yourself out there. By writing this I thought of a couple of things that is said in the film. She is waiting for Richard to call and says..."We have a whole life to live together you fucker, but it can't start until you call." There was also Richard stating the predicament of his burnt hand...

Christine Jesperson: [seeing his bandage] Whoa, what happened?
Richard Swersey: You want the short version or the long one?
Christine Jesperson: The long one.
Richard Swersey: I tried to save my life but it didn't work.
Christine Jesperson: Wow. What's the short one?
Richard Swersey: I burned it.

This has been the moments that have made me smile lately.

Art as Life

Living in Los Angeles provides endless opportunity to engage in as well as observe art. Last weekend I needed to get out of Pasadena so my roommate Rachel and I visited the Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA) downtown LA. It's a great space with an expibit on Alan Kaprow's Art as Life.

Kaprow understood that art wasn't just imitating life but it was something that we did on an everyday basis. From the MOCA website the "exhibition traces the development of the artist’s oeuvre from works that incorporated everyday objects into collages and assemblages to all-encompassing Environments. The installation consists of paintings, drawings, sculptures, and assemblages, along with photographs, films, videos, and activity booklets."

The exhibit was fantastic. It was basically all hands on and you bring yourself and your imagination into the exhibit. There are chances to move furniture, have a discussion, interact with his pieces through overhead projector, and there are film instillations that portray past endeavors.

I loved the feel of the exhibit. There was a maze created by shredded paper as well as fencing and clear plastic. I found the end where it was playing my new favorite dance song low....because the theme was apples and all I kept hearing was "apple-bottom jeans, and the boots with the fur". It was a fantastic exhibit and something, even a week later I can't escape my memory. It is still impacting me today. Every moment can be art....how often do we just want it to be perfect?

To paint. To create. To make something from nothing or really something else.

It's interesting to ask the question of why do we create art? I think it's such a healing expression of who we are and who we are becoming. In some ways it solidifies ideas new and old as well as coming to a new understanding. The process for creating is often times an individual act. On Friday my friend Glo and I dared to ask what it would mean to create in community? I thought about who might show up and why someone would want to create with somebody else? It was an interesting outcome of maybe less than ten people showing up to share why they do art and create together. There is a sense that you can let go and hear what others have to say about your work but also ask questions and allowing yourself to go to those places.

It left me wondering if art creates freedom? When we put ourselves in the work are we displaying our intermost thoughts like a picture journal with limited words and actions? Those questions are left to an individual to respond. Yet, when there is a seminary-worth of people and a limited number of people who respond are we limited as well in our creative responses? Many people I know feel like they can't do art because they can't draw....me either. I think we can't limit ourselves at our limitations. I hate exercising but I can't let that stop me. I need to get creative and try something that is fun but also worth working the muscles that need to be stretched and pulled. Why are we afraid to create? I think just giving it a try loses nothing...

Through the eyes of a woman

I don't know if I grew up a feminist but I know that this is a title that I use or other people know me as.I think I understand my obsession of feminism as I look at some of the movies I watched (Mary Poppins) or family structure (my father did my hair ever morning for all of elementary school while my mother went to work). It's a huge part of who I am and it's funny how the name became stamped on my heart and life. I became a feminist because I was oppressed in a Christian context. Because of that I was able to move on and find my freedom not only in my Christ but also in my womanhood.

Today my friend Jenny and I spent the say touring the feminist art exhibit, entitled WACK at the Geffen Contemporary Museum of Art, part of the MOCA in LA.


This was my second of hopefully three times to visit the exhibit that I think is absolutely fascinating. This exhibit is the first feminist exhibit of all women artists. It surprises me that it's 2007 and only now we are celebrating the work and achievements of women. My first encounter was with my friends Grant and Josh.

We had a great time and it was intriguing to bring a male perspective into what I was thinking, feeling, and reacting. Grant is a friend who knows quite a bit about art so it was lovely to have his thoughts and knowledge of the pieces and the layout of the show. It was a lovely afternoon where I felt like I stepped into something that I was always meant to step in. As I encountered the art my soul felt at rest and at ease because it was resonating with the images that so much of it has encountered with brokenness and the agony of silence.

One of my favorite pieces is Yoko Ono's Cut Piece


This piece really strikes me as the basics of human nature and human interaction. I think watching the video is worth the time and your interactions with it makes the meaning that much richer. Other pieces that I really enjoyed were ads that juxtaposed real woman that were taken years before the ads were introduced. I loved this piece where a woman's face was being tied up with string and towards the point where it seems like suffocation there are scissors that cut the thread. There were also a couple of pieces that had to do with what ads show and what are really underneath the clothing of the models. A piece that showed the struggle of women trying to work in the art fields that are dominated by men. There were so many pieces that spoke to me.

Because this was the second visit I choose to spend time at spaces that I really enjoyed and moved past the pieces that either I didn't relate to or didn't connect with. I love this exhibit and feel so lucky that this is in Los angeles, just a train ride from my home. I left rethinking the same questions I have been asking myself and others for awhile...what is beauty? Who defines it? What defines it? Why do we give it so much worth?