We destroy what we erect.

I have been drawn, changed, and affected by the blog of Ryan Adams . He has a constant stream of thought. Some hard to swallow while others are so raw and so beautiful. To the point where whatever last piece of barrier or wall that I have erect seems to have fallen. I deconstructed it myself as well as the help of love. I am excited by the possibilities this means for my art work, my writing, my school work. The walls seem to have fallen and collapsed on the floor and I am looking at the rubble. The rubble that is my shoes, dirty underwear, the pants that I wore yesterday, the leftover coffee from last week.

The music is loud. The thoughts so fresh. The processing so necessary. I don't want to hide from anything. I don't want to rush or push. I want to let the thoughts be my guide. All the should haves and could haves and xpectations that have been placed upon me since I was a child are stripped away. I think this is what happens when we become new creations. I believe in creativity, and passion, and randomness. I believe in noise, and chaos, and staying up all night listening to the sounds someone else created and placed in your hands to find meaning. I believe we are supposed to be inspired and in the same breath turn around and bless other people.

There will always be new books to read, old records to discover, new ones to create. I want to help make whatever is a little bit better. Things aren't always supposed to make sense. Life isn't supposed to be that hard. We aren't asked to live a life without pain and until we accept that we will live trying to avoid who we are supposed to become.

and with my last dying breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

I feel like I am emerging from this coma of sleep. Somewhere in the last few years I stopped living or what I thought was living took a radically different shape or form. The form of me slumped in a chair, book in hand, was about all I could do. Something seems to be shifting in me.

One: I have been doing yoga and the lack of good exercise over the years is catching up to me. I am moving toxins in my body and by doing that kick started me to physically sleep for 18 hours on Friday. It was crazy. I never do that. I think my body wanted me stop just for a moment and catch up to all the other stuff it knows how to do. I need to move my practice to twice a week instead of just once. I think I wouldn't have such a hard time moving around and doing the things I need to do. I have been blessed with my yoga practice. It has given me the much needed confidence boost to see how valuable and lucky I am to have a body and how that connects spiritually and academically. It's been a great space of much needed healing and valuable connection to my life.

Being a more open person helps you to laugh and to let go. Last night among friends my favorite records and songs from undergrad began to spill from the speakers. Dashboard, Taking Back Sunday, Get Up Kids, Saves the Day, American Football. All of these I could place myself back into certain moments. I used to spend so much time in my Brown '92 Ford Ranger lovingly titled The Brown Bomber, screaming the lyrics that last night got us shushed. There is something about finding meaning in these bands and being able to translate them into a night full of laughter and realizing that all of us are from many different spaces on the map. I love that music can be such a huge connecter because of having similiar experiences with lyrics, sounds, beats, and scenes.

Sometimes remembering the past can heal you in your present. There is something beautiful about these experiences that leave you with a smile, that glow in your heart, and those faint memories that were the good ones even though there might have been so much pain that surrounded those....How funny that I don't listen to these bands anymore, how my tastes have moved on or that my time has moved away from driving to and from shows every weekend.

How these two tie together is something I am just realizing but I don't think it needs a huge explanation. It is the simple pleasures in life that is getting me through.