a sigh of relief.

It's been some time.
The clocks hands have continued to turn and life has moved on.
Some days were so slow
While there were weeks that ended as soon as they started.

The graduation cap was placed on my head
and another candle was on top of my birthday cake.
There were parties
and beer
and a huge pizza.

and there has been sleeping
and sweltering heat
and movie watching.
and re-reading Harry Potter.

Life keeps moving
and I feel like it should
and I will continue.




but it will not look like it did two weeks ago
or a year ago.
Life keeps moving and instead of being afraid
I am choosing to live my life
and not listen to lies
and fears
and the should haves.

This is my life today
and it consists of listening
and growing
and not feeling sorry for myself

but it consists of fighting for what i believe in
and it means in believing in myself
and my gifts and my talents
and that my profession is not practical
but it should be a hell of alot of fun....

decisions, decisions...

I have been handed opportunity this week. I have been asked to help write and to help create a class at Fuller. This quarter I TA-ed Theology and Hip Hop culture and was moved spiritually, musically, and intellectually. It was such a healthy endeavor and through that opportunity I realized the desire that was in me to teach in the future. Mix this all together and I might be helping the Professor do research in the area of Hip Hop and feminism. It would be a dream come true to approach the topic and help with the dialogue regarding such an issue. It seems as if the scholarship in this area is pretty slim and lines seemd to be drawn in the sand and each side asks the reader to choice one or the other. I hope to help ask for both sides of the story...

Growing up hip hop was something you participated in because it was everywhere. I chose more the lines of rock, punk, and alternative, but if you wanted to dance hip hop was it. I can't believe sometimes that I get to be a part of this, to take the time to interact with this story and the stories of those who choose to participate in the art.

It is the end of the quarter and there seems like so much still to do. I am tired and I can't seem to shake it.

There are so many new, exciting, decisions to make. It seems tough sometimes to make a healthy, wise, decision; hoping that I make a choice that not just affects me but where I live, work, play, and communicate. I am excited for the time but there is so much one competes with...classes, work, the GRE, doctoral applications, reading for the future, and then being able to listen, watch, and hear what's happening in the bear of our culture. I close my eyes as I write this because I never would have thought this would have been my life.

Who knows what the day might bring...

hands in a box of beans.

What is the value and worth of senseless beauty?

Years ago I was introduced to the film Amelie. It is a beautiful film with brilliant color schemes, simple plot line, and a sense of wonder in a world that many days seems out of your own personal control. The last two weeks have seemed to be full of chaos. Heartache. Soul cravings and searching. It seemed so out of my hands, out of reach, out of touch. I choose not to do anything tonight. TO take a night for myself and sit in awe of what is my life or escape into anthers for just a couple of hours.

I have viewed Amelie I can't tell you how many times. I escaped tonight into her world and reevaluated my own life through the story line and musical pulse of Yann Tiersen. I am blessed by this movie. I saw something completely new tonight. I saw this flim with fresh eyes. With a new sense of my own life and story.

I think about the simple beauties in life. It helps me question what I value, what is my purpose, and what eyes do I choose to experience this ever so chaotic world. I have cried a lot in the last few days. Some for my mother, some for myself, some for direction, some for love and other tears for the lack of love. I don't know where my life is headed. If I could have written this is where I would be a month from my 26th birthday I would have never believed you.

I enjoy that my life interweaves itself with literature, movies, music, and art. I am grateful and blessed. There are days when i do not deserve it and there are days when I feel so lucky to be surrounded by these arts. I have been able to ask so many questions and develop a personality that breathes it all in, asks a lot of questions, and dances to whatever may be in the air.

Life is overwhelming. Life is mean. Life is simple. Life is a bitch. Yet can I take the time to see the small simple pleasures in life? Can I see the little girls holding the hands of their fathers? Will i be able to see ballons flying in their air with their owners standing wide eye as it is let go? Will I be able to see the flocking birds? Or leaves change color? Will I stand still long enough to see this happen?

Can I stand still long enough to see this happen?