Wednesday, December 31, 2008

so this is the new year...

It's been a long time since i have been
to move

not my feet or my hands
but to move my mind to find
new dreams
and new passions
and a new breath in my lungs

I don't know what the new year will bring
i don't know what 2009 will provide

but 2008 has a single finger raised to it's calendar page
and i wave fond farewell
and I don't look back
so that you may see my eyes one last time.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

a strange.

I had this strange experience yesterday where my life currently went and intermingled with my past. I was thinking of a record and a friend called and mentioned that he was listening to that record right at that moment. It wasn't something that I have listened to for quite some time and it was a strange coincidence.

To be honest I love strange coincidences. Usually that is when my lazy mind recieves a signal that something is happening that you are not in control of.

The strange coincidences continued to happen throughout the evening.

I like knowing that we are not alone.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Top Ten Records 2008

This year as I had mentioned earlier came with so much change. I spent just as much time finding old records as I did new records. This was a good year for me and music. I found many songs that comforted and just as many that made me dance. But it is now time for the coveted top ten records. Many years I check out other websites top ten and usually there is a sense of cohesion. Not this year! So here is my list. There are records missing. About half way into next year I will feel more caught up. You might not see your favorite...these are just some of mine. Take it as you will.

#10 TV on the Radio: "Dear Science": I like this record. Not the best TV on the Radio Record by far but of all the records that I heard it's a lot better than lets say The Jonas Brothers or She and Him! I think the drums are amazing in the record. I love the lyrical flow, and I like that they took chances. Did it work perfect? Nope but that's ok I still like the record....It has indie, dance, and hip hop element strung together like a necklace around your neck.

#9 The Cool Kids "Bake Sale": This hip hop record throws down the fattiest beats. The production is hot and the lyrics are even hotter. The record is tough from beginning to end. My favorite jam is Black Mags...The record is not over hyped or over produced. It's just a SOLID hip hop jam from beginning to end.

#8 M83 "Saturdays=Youth: This record is throw back 1986. If 16 Candles could have a soundtrack this would be it. I love the synth pop 80s feel. I love the 80s and I love this record. It's like Popples and Punky Brewster all over again. Sign me up twice and find me boyfriend before the record ends!

#7 Anathallo "Canopy Glow": Granted my bestie is in the band but I wouldn't just put it on there for that reason. That would be wrong. But I really like the record. At first it seemed simple and Sufjans kin but the more I listened the more it grew and more I heard a new direction from a band I have heard and listened to almost as much as Wilco. The backing vocals of Erica are so beautiful!! The tracks of Canopy Glow and Bells are so beautiful and I really enjoy the lyrics focusing on the natural life and the earth. It's a beauty.

#6 Dosh: "Wolves and Wishes": I am a fan of great instrumental records. I happened to hear them live when Anathallo opened for him. Dosh is better known to being part of Andrew Bird's band. This is a great record with stylish layers and thoughtful melodies. There is a lot going on but nothing that would be so overwhelming that you get lost in the noise or the consistent patterns. The record is smart and I like smart!

#5 The Walkmen "You & Me": The Walkmen are a solid, tight, well played, well produced band. They have great vision, they have sassy songs, they are fun, and the more you listen the more the record opens up to your ears. The lyrics are so beautiful. I wasn't a fan of the Walkmen in years past but something happened and I heard the tune The Rat off of "Bows and Arrows" and then I got the Walkmen...something clicked and I seemed to understand where they were coming from and what they were trying to tell me. After that stunning moment I knew the Walkmen would be a band I would love. This record sealed the deal!

#4 Fleet Foxes "Fleet Foxes": The album had a lot of buzz about it. It's good but not on the top of my list. The record throws it's reins around the americana/folk generation and holds on tight. The vocal harmonies are tight and the mix is well put together. I wasn't to into it at first and yet I felt like a second listen. It blossomed over time. I really like when records do that. I like it alot.

#3 Horse Feathers: "House with No Home" I found this band late one night and I knew it was love at first listen. I found "Words are Dead" a 2006 release and listened to that pretty frequently and the follow up to that record is this little ditty. Simple, sweet, dark, and beautiful. It must be the aura surrounding the record or lyrics that catch my attention after ten times listening to the record. I like the record because of the use of the piano and strings. The theme seems to be simple this year.

#2 Sigur Ros: "Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust": The sixth album from Icelandic wonders, Sigur Ros, make my heart melt. My eyes and heart fill with wonder, and my spirit is often at rest or peace when this record plays. Is it there best record? I'm not sure. But it is simple, easy, happy and joyous. It's fun and beautiful. A rare combo!! The record in english is: "With a buzz in our ears we play endlessly"... I think I listen to this record endlessly.

#1 Bon Iver "For Emma Forever Ago": Hands Down my favorite record. Skinny Love was a track I found early on and the record itself I don't think was removed from the cd player for over a month. A simple record, ten tracks. The lyrics are profound expressing heartbreak, lost, and life. I am inspired by this record. The BEST record that whispers it's goodness on a regular basis.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

snow day.

Being away from the winter has done me well
when the sun shines i feel like there is a different sense of

and yet I retreated back
to a place I once called home
the rain was loud against my window
and you sat and read and listened
as the pounding force of the rain
was it's own rhythm
in the midst of silence

and now the snow has begun to fall
and new clothing adorns my body
and my legs and arms
are consistenly wrapped in a variety of materials

the feelings of linen and wool against my face
as I try to beat the cold

and the snow is beautiful
so silent as opposed to it's counterpart
and you have to watch
with silence
in the dark
as the wind make it dance outside of the
freezing window pane.

and that is where i am at.
staring at the grace offered to me
as well as the silence.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

My favorite songs of 2008.

My favorite songs of 2008

These are some of my favorite songs of the year. i will do my favorite records of 2008 next month...but I was thinking of the mixes I have made, the songs I have put on repeat, the songs that made me stop and cry or stop and make me smile. They didn't necessarily arrive in 2008 but they certainly resonated in 2008 so I am making a list. Maybe you can find them.

This year was complex and hard. Beauty and Pain filled the year. Death and Celebration. Joy and Sorrow.
My heart was filled with emotion.

Sia: Breathe Me
(Colour the Small One, 2005)
If I could bottle one song and say 2008 it would be this song. I would lay on the floor of the green house with my ear near the speaker and put it on repeat. I am sure that the roommates were sick of this song past April but it is so beautiful. The stings describe the heart where the lyrics described the aches of my soul. I also finished Six Feet Under this year....

Ryan Adams: Come Pick Me Up
(Heartbreaker, 2000)
I think there wouldn't be a day from about March-until I graduated that I wouldn't play this song. DAn would come into my room and laugh because it was playing again. It was in my car, ipod, iphone, cd player, computer. It is A-MAZING. I don't know why it was this year that I connected to the song but I did. and so should you.

The Avett Brothers: Living of Love
(Emotionalism, 2008)
One of the best shows of the year and what life should be lived....with love and the Avett Brothers.

Wilco: Impossible Germany
(Sky Blue Sky, 2007)
The guitar lines of Nels Cline make my heart swoon. We got to see him this year do some avant-jazz and it was a definite spiritual experience. This band is my favorite. This song is a top five favorite Wilco song. Amazing. Beautiful. Unique. Favorite line: Gorgeous and Alone. Face to face.
Are you listening?

Horse Feathers: Hardwood Pews
(Words are Dead; 2006)
I found this band randomly this year. Seriously it took me this long to find this Portland beauty. Americana/ song on the record. His voice is magic.

Bon Iver: Skinny Love
(for Emma Forever Ago; 2008)
My friend Travis and I listened to this song 144 times and then I listened to it 300 more. It is the best song that came out this year. It's amazing. I always without fail play it twice because once is never enough. When I close my eyes I can think of screaming the lyrics with 200 other people one of my last nights in LA. It was a moment I hope I never forget.

Sigur Ros: Ara Batur
(Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust: 2008)
Can this song be anymore beautiful? I honestly don't think it can. It brings peace and stillness to my heart and tears to my eyes when the all boy choir comes in around minute five. I drove to the PCH with all my windows down knowing everything was about to change and I wasn't sad....I was at peace.

Radiohead: Videotape
(In Rainbows; 2007/8)
I got to see Radiohead this year and it was an interesting though fun experience. Many people know my mom died this year and this song makes me thing of here. Last Christmas I put it on a mixtape for her. I can't help but to hope that when I get to the pearly gates her life and her memory will be on my videotape.

Radical Face: Welcome Home
(Ghost; 2007)
My beautiful friend Erika (as well as many others) made mix CDs for my road trip back to Michigan. I heard this song and knew it was the perfect song to welcome me home to the changing leaves of the Michigan mitten. It is what somewhat pictures coming home to. With wind chimes, clothes on the clothes line, scars peeled away, and arms wide open.

Javelins: Out on the Sand
(Heavy Meadows; 2008)
I love this song and I am glad I came back to Detroit to remember how amazing the Detroit music scene is. Best band in the city and this song is so catchy....

Misty Lyn and the Big Beautiful: The Fall
(For the Dead; 2008)
During the saddest week of my life I went to a show in a tiny bar in Hamtramak. I drank some Pabst and I saw some bands play. I am in love with americana and I told the man with the band this. He asked me to wait a moment and came back with this cd. "My other band," he says. I brought it home and this song was on it. It caught by surprise. It is perfect and the line "Lord, will you hold my hand" is the perfect question to this year.

I hope you enjoy these tunes or others like it....

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

and my heart skips a beat.

I feel in love once.
It was a long time ago
where the problems really were so trivial
and none important
and today seem like non issues

and today a different love has emerged
a love that comes from some silly instruments
and a silly man who sings
or hums
or strums
or a lady that does something so similar

and i sit
and am in awe
and my stress weens
and my heart calms
and my eyes close
and i just listen

i rarely argue
i rarely fuss
and I rarely complain

can you really complain when something
so beautiful captures your imagination
puts a smile on your face
and you realize that you are not the only one on the planet
and you are not alone.

Monday, November 24, 2008

the piles get higher

I had piles and piles of things all around my room
and I don't collect things or horde
it was an avoidance to deal with my life
so by cleaning the mess in my immediate surroundings help the mess that happens to be my life?

I am one broken lady
that sits at the bottom of the bit
I am broken
but something that is different than the rest of these times
is that i don't feel alone.

it's that i almost catch myself
when i want to say that i might be
but I am not
and I know that is the truth.

What the truth holds is something of an unknown
and I feel so broken
and the path is not in a place where it is easily found.

and so life continues....
and I hope I don't bury myself

because those clothes
mimic the fears
i dress myself everyday in.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

i am a feather in the wind

I rarely post about my spirituality in a way that is so transparent. Usually you need to read between the lines a bit. I don't ever want someone to think they have to be force fed spiritual beliefs or language so I will make this brief or the most me I can think of.

Tonight I feel like my right eye has been revealed some new truth which often time is just recycled old truth.
I am a good woman.
I am smart and gifted and talented and I have something to say.

I need to be true to myself
and to others
and not hide.

I can say that grief
the kind that sneaks up on you in the middle of happy
can make a tear come to your eye
because you can't share it with them
is also the same grief that strips the last of your

I am strengthened by prayer
and by hope
hope that I can't explain in words
just feelings

I am going to make some moves this week
like vote for change
and apply for jobs
and write
because that makes me oddly so happy
and see beautiful friends
who have also taken bold chances
and risk love for Love.
and maybe i will do the same

Life seems to be full of possibilities
and God seems to be bigger than i
have imagined or often times lead to believe.

I am amazed by hope and challenged by love.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


For some time now I have felt like I have had a boulder on my chest and stomach.
There was nothing I could say and there was even less I could do.
I was really good at going through the motions.
I am becoming a pro.

but deep down I am hoping that life has more to offer
and I will take all the advantages it hands to me
and some days are hard
and others are even harder
but you know that you can rise above the sadness
and one day see the beauty of it all.

I hope that life shows me more than the same pattern I have been living in.
Pain and heartache
pain and heartache



i could write today.
that is a good feeling.
and the seasons are changing
so it doesn't seem so alone
that I am changing as well.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

my mother.

I wrote and spoke this at my mothers funeral. It is in tribute to her:

I am truly honored and humbled to be before you today, the daughter of one of the most amazing women I have ever known. I realize that I may be biased because of my relation to her, but I can honestly say after yesterday’s funeral visitation, I know that I am not alone in these sentiments.

Kristy Kaherl was a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. There are so many words that define this woman and yet sometimes words are never enough. This woman I get to call mother was a friend to everyone that she met… A random person on the street, behind the McDonalds drive-thru window, in church, in a school, in the doctors waiting room. She had a gift of being to ask you questions about your life. The answers were important and you then became an instant friend. I have been told that people were confused by this kindness, could she really be that nice? All I can say is that she was. She was the definition of kindness and compassion. Living out the ideas like hope, faith, and love.

Her eyes sparkled with joy, they danced with wonder and amazement. She always found a way to turn any situation into something that could be smiled at or better yet… laughed with. She would do this thing where she always talked with her hands, or do little dances. She was supportive to everyone and always SO brave. Brave in the way she fought year after year against the breast cancer. Brave to follow her dreams, goals, and aspirations. Brave to wake up every morning and find the good in everything and more important everyone.

Some of her accomplishments include the following: She received her bachelors’ degree in 1971 from Michigan State University, master’s degree in 1973 and Education Specialist in 1981 from Wayne State University. She was awarded Teacher of the Year in through Utica Schools and highly recognized for her work as an Administrator in 2001. She was awarded Mother of the Year at Bethesda Christian Church in 2006. The programs she started and the people who were influenced are numerous.

My mother was an absolute blessing. She always wore a smile on her face and she always had a diet coke in her hand. What we saw on a daily basis was strength, faith, love, and unending hope. Her faith was so strong. She always knew that God’s hand was on her life. She believed that God was moving, her strong tower, and her strength. God would fight for my mother and my mother would fight for God. All glory, honor, and praise was given to God because everyday was a gift. Each day was an exploration and she was so excited to explore it.

My mother was proud of her daughters Amy and Lindsay, loved Doug with unending love and support, blessed to be a daughter to Norma and Robert Bott, proud to be the sister of Bonnie Burns, loved being an aunt and great aunt, even if you weren’t related she may have been an aunt to you, and excited to be a friend.

Thank you for being here today and sharing this day with us. May we go on celebrating Kristy’s life.

Friday, September 12, 2008

I didn't know how else to communicate this.
I know this is so public but I am with great sadness announcing the death of my mother.
Thank you for those who have supported, loved, cried, and laughed with me.
It is a sad loss for those on earth
and a fantastic gain for those in heaven.

We are planning the funeral visitation for Monday September 15.
The funeral home is:
Visitation from 3PM to 9PM
Wujek Calcaterra & Sons
54880 Van Dyke Ave
Shelby Twp, MI 48316
Phone 586-677-4000
The funeral church service will be at 10AM visitation and the service at 11AM on Tuesday September 16th.
Bethesda Christian Church
14000 Metropolitan Beach Hwy.
Sterling Heights, MI
Phone 586-264-2300

with love and grace.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Friday, September 5, 2008

now that i have returned.

The trip was good
and the realness of the situation has presented itself 100%

I get overwhelmed with life
but never with love
the love of my mother
the love of my friend
the love of my father

and you see death in many different places
and you thin those emotions were fake
or unreal
or unnecessary

and then you have the same emotions
and you are traversed into a different space
where life and art coincide for sometime

I don't know if the rain was planned
but the overcast sky sets the tone for
something out of our control

i feel sad
but their is a glimmer of hope
and a desire to be able to trust myself
through this time
but I know i am not alone.
but this is tougher than i thought it would be

Friday, August 29, 2008

saying see you soon.

i have been a bad blogger but I needed a break from writing.
and processing.
and needing them to be here

i needed to be someplace else
and i will return.

but it is with sad news.
and i am sure sadder news in the future.

but I start on the road tomorrow
to head back to what some may argue 'home'

but my home seems to be here
rather than there
and i would like to stay here
but i need to go there
so i shall go

with my best friend
and my little car
and a few of my possessions

but i will update thought
and ideas
and dreams
and processing.

because this is what you need to do
when the woman who gave you life
may be to close to death.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Fire Songs

Just a few weeks ago I went and saw and wrote about The Watson Twins at Amoeba Music to promote their sophomore full length, Fire Songs. As noted earlier the Twins first were noticed when there backing vocals accompanied Jenny Lewis' Rabbit Fur Coat. This record is soft and inviting a treat to hear more than just faux country backing vocals, but the full strength of voices and talent from these sisters from Kentucky.

Fire Songs is built around the sisters ability to find ways to utilize their vocals that bring out the gifts and talents of both Chandra and Leigh Watson. The strong opener, "How I Am to Be", that is a smart, xylophone based, fun pop song. The rest of the recordt is rather stripped down and their are strong (and some weak) moments of slow, and dreamy. The songs have the potential for you to grab a man (or a lady) and sway slowly to their harmonious collection of originals and the cover of The Cure's, "Just Like Heaven". (Sidenote: This may be the best song on the record. Maybe it's because I have loved this song since my childhood or maybe because I love when people cover a song and give it their own interpretation). I am a sucker for a lap slide and it is used nicely throughout the record.

Overall Fire Songs is a good follow up post Lewis. I hope they continue to make records and find a niche that continues to highlight the beauty of their voices and acknowledge who they are and who they will continue to become. If you are interested in hearing the record, check out the websites and click the moth entitled "Media", from here you can stream the whole record.

Friday, July 25, 2008

A small night of energy and a picnic that included guacamole without tortilla chips.

Summers in LA are normally hot. The hot where you don't want to go outside because there is smog in the air and you are afraid that your now exposed legs may stick to the leather in the overly hot interior of your car. But the weather has been nice the last couple of weeks and the thought of enjoying the outdoors has been all so appealing. So last weekend some friends and I grabbed the bus to the hollywood bowl and saw the high energy of Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings and Feist .

Hosted by local NPR station, KCRW, the outdoors show was a fun way to spend a late July Sunday evening. Sharon Jones was fun, high energy, and quite exciting. Before I knew it there were many people around me dancing with their friends and quite enjoying themselves with the soulful vocal stylings from Sharon Jones. She has the ability to command the stage with full control that reminds anyone of James Brown. She has skills to move her body while she tells her stories with with amazing funk musicians back her up. She brought the energy and she certainly brought the funk and what I thought was a fantastic opening act for someone that what I thought would have high energy as well.....

.....Feist. The last time I saw Feist it was high energy, fun, and took a large space and made it feel like everyone in the room could be my next best friend. This time I felt like Feist was sad, dealing with something so much bigger than herself. The set was stripped down, choosing to open with a poem that harkened the old west and folk americana tales. She was dressed in a dress with fringe down the arms and a cowboy hat. The songs she chose were sad in nature and the songs like, "I Feel it All" and the every popular "1 2 3 4" seemed to be pulled back, slowed down, and a new way of hearing songs that are often heard as a copy of the recorded version.

We were surprised after what seemed like ten songs that she bowed and said good night. With a song to finish out the encore the show was over and evening complete. I was a bit surprised by her set. After the super high energy and true crowd amper, Sharon Jones, Feist just seemed to lack the energy to make my feet keep dancing.

Overall the evening was fun and it made me believe in the beauty of humanity and the what can happen when you are surrounded by strangers. I had to sit by myself because of the late purchase of my ticket but I never felt alone. I was offered cheese, wine, crackers, and potato chips by strangers that never knew my name. It was a beautiful cool evening. An energy in the air of picnicking lovers and friends. I felt lucky to be in a space that in a city that is known to be isolated and individualistic and didn't feel alone for one moment.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Mates of State Rearranges Us...

I love Mates of State and yet the last time I listened to their records was years ago. So when I received the newest release, Re-Arrange Us, it was like visiting old friends. Though these friends added cello, trumpet, and vocals from Death Cab for Cutie's Ben Gibbard to the usual drum and keyboard duo. The record is fun, flirty, and simple. Sometimes so simple that it sounds as similar to the track prior but don't worry it's a song worth hearing.

This record is the perfect record if you wanted to go jogging. It's upbeat and the ability to feel sad is almost impossible when you listen to this multi-layered little record. I don't jog and maybe you don't either but it can help push you through the day whether you are working, writing papers, or figuring out geometry. The driving songs make the foot tap and the head move from side to side. You can feel the influence of Death Cab throughout the record. Songs Help Help and Get Better are standout. They can easily be the first song on the mid-summer mix with the windows down trying not to think about tomorrow.

It's nice to be able to find old friends, catch up with new stories, and new melodies. If you want to stay in touch with their day to day movement with their two children make sure you catch their blog band on the diaper run.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

through the looking glass

There is so much happening and going on
and a lot of it has to do with fear
and the unknown
and growing up
and changing.

I know that I will be ok
I just have to make choices
that lead me to what I want
rather than what is
and easy

I don't know what these choices are
and i don't know what or where they
might lead

but what i do know
is that i am smart
and capable
and aware
and loved.

and i know that a lot of people are as well
but i won't be afraid
or least i will try not to be

what i am afraid of the most of
how many girls have been affected
because I have been afraid.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Watson Twins @ Amoeba Music

The Watson Twins are not LA natives but native to the LA music scene. That's pretty normal in a place of transience and the mecca for corporate music hullabaloo. The Watson Twins released their newest record, Fire Songs, with a record release party at Hollywoods finest, Amoeba Music. Between the stacks J. Geils Band and Fugazi I heard the soulful harmonies of these twin sisters sing ballads from their newest record. The sound was not the best, but I wasn't expecting much when a make shift stage is erected for an hour long performance once a week.

If you are not familiar with the Watson Twins it might be easier to say the name Jenny Lewis beforehand and be reminded of the 2006 release, Rabbit Fur Coat. The new tunes are reminiscent to americana lore and 50s dwoo-wop pop. It's pretty simple and low key, nothing to write home about or want to burn and hand out like your newest mix tape. It was hard sometimes to pay attention when you are in the largest music store in town. (Paste magazine features Amoeba as one of the best record stores in the US. It's an ADD persons dream as there are a million and one distractions for your eyes to dance and engage with Rolling Stones posters from 1978 and questions of why the stage looks like a pyramid. The best part of their performance was their cover of the Cure's Just Like Heaven . The stripped down rendition had people swaying in their designated space and lip-synching along.

Overall the hour performance was enjoyable, if only to experience a show in a new setting and helping to celebrate with a lovely little band release their newest work.

with a buzz in our ears we play endlessly

Beauty and grace are offered yet again from sigur ró. It bursts with joy and sorrow. It is loud and crashing, ear grabbing and heart clenching. The beauty being offered is from the fifth full-length entitled, "Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust." Translated in English it means "with a buzz in our ears we play endlessly."

The record begins playfully with a song entitled "gobbledigook." The drums are contagious with it's almost tribal feel and sets the tone for the record, which reminds me of a mix tape. It starts off with a bang, offers something new and then moves into what sigur ros does best, slow builds and bursts that make the heart ache. There is a video that was made for the opening track and can be found at their website . I love the commentary the video makes. It is free and open, using your body and the nakedness to offer hope rather than shame. I like that the body, though naked, doesn't have to be engaged in crudeness or lurid sex but offers a new vision to how we use and treat the body. How it is offered to be free and open rather than shameful or full of fear...

The record continues with hope and moves to slow melodies become that are offered as a soundtrack to your life's heartbreak and joy. sigur rós is one of the few bands that recognizes the delicate balance of both joy and sorrow and it is offered with the melodies and harmonies of instrumentation rather than lyrics. Some of the highlights from the record include a 90 piece boys choir for track, Ára bátur. There friends in Aminna (female orchestration) were also a part of this record. It was mixed and produced in under a month so it's raw and imperfect and that gives it a feel that there could be more manipulation but this is where they are at. If I could only give myself that same kind of grace....

The true beauty of sigur rós is their ability to have the listener insert their own life into the journey. You have the ability to find and locate emotions or memories with their sonic landscape. It's a rare find in this Icelandic band. If you haven't had the opportunity to see their musical documentary, Heima please do. It's a journey home after touring for years globally and remembering where they came from. They offered the community free performances around Iceland and documented the natural beauty and splendor of the people and places of Iceland. This new release was formed from these "Heima (home)" performances. The stripped down feel of those performances offered the ability to engage making music in new and creative ways.

sigur rós is a favorite. I hope you can make it a favorite of yours as well.

A night where smiles were given out like candy.

Anathallo and Dosh @ Spaceland 6.15.08

I have been a fan of Anathallo since 2002. They have been friends for quite some time and if I had to count how many times I have seen them live I think I would need four hands. Alive and Electric is the best way to describe their music. With seven members who are passionate to play to see them live is always a lot of fun. Hand clapping and sing-a-longs are not foreign from the crowd. When I used to live in Michigan it was an experience because everyone knew their music and had no problems dancing along. Living in LA there are different crowds but it was a lively crowd this night and that only enhances the experience. I am looking forward to the new record to come out in Novemember. There is a new song posted on their myspace page. It's entitle Noni's field. It's beautiful.

The headliner for the evening was the noise/improv/indie/electronic stylings of Minneapolis native Martin Dosh. He is known for a lot of work with Andrew Bird but his solo work is fantastic. Intriguing. Engaging. I really enjoyed it because I like free form. I like to be taken on a musical journey, open to the listener to choose their own adventure and be taken on their own emotional journey because they have inserted themselves into the musical conversation. With him this night was a man who played saxophone that was so amazingly delicious. It was warm and friendly with free jazz undertones. The evening was a surprise and I was so pleased with what I heard and how it engaged me. You can find some of his tunes on myspace or if you have some extra downloads on emusic his whole catalogue is available.

A beautiful suprise was opener Karin Tatoyan . Her music was beautiful and engaging and she was a performer. It was dramatic and her vocals caught me by surprise. The group made up of live drummer who also manipulated electronic loops, with trumpeter, and chelloist dressed in masks and KArin in a Bjork-like 80s sparkle dress and lyrics to match. It was beautiful and fun. It was noted they had only been together for two weeks but it was worth the listen and it strong. I am looking forward to hearing her in the future. Hopefully with knowing who she and noting what she likes rather it being overpowering the performance. Overall it was wonderful and I bought her solo record which was worth it because she did a lovely cover of Wilco's Radio Cure.....and we all know what I feel about Wilco!!

Overall the night was fantastic.
I got to see some beautiful music
and beautiful friends.
I saw something new and old and
was probably one of the best shows
as a whole
in awhile.

The night was fantastic.
The music was fantastic.

A night that felt like home.

Life has been a bit of a whirlwind and I have
felt the pull of the undertow
There are days to feel inspired
but those are hard to do when you feel stuck in dotting the i and crossing the t.

There have been some new records heard
and some shows that engaged and wrestled with my heart.
Since that is what I like to write. I shall continue.
because there is no longer school work to worry
about getting in by the deadline.

Damien Jurado and Jeremy Enigk @ Spaceland 6.10.08

Days away from being done with my finals I had the chance to see some of my undergraduate favorites, Jeremy Enigk and Damien Jurado. Northwest friends both having voices that shake the core and lyrics that allow this to happen. I sat back and I saw myself when I was younger, a different school, and a different time. I had different memories when these men sang me their songs in my Ford Ranger truck or alone in a coffee shop trying to finish paper deadlines. This time was different. Those familiar voices engaged me with completely different faces and atmospheres. I saw Sunny Day Real Estate years ago at Calvin College right before they broke up. It was fantastic then. To see just Jeremy Enigk play felt like a dream. His voice got warmer as the night progressed which allowed him to sing songs that were so beautiful and haunting. In a way only his voice can be. stretching and tearing, soaring and crashing. His songs are poignant and beautiful. Interesting how I felt like I could hear so much that was not there because I felt his songs when I listened. They are complex and beautiful. It was a beautiful treat.

Damien is simple and slow. A true story teller with the ability to grab you and set you into a story with a scene set as like you were watching it dance in front of you. Often his songs are sad and haunting. They were beautiful and soft. Just a man with an acoustic guitar and a plan to engage life with new stories and new

The night was fantastic. Some good friends. Some $2 Pabst. Other than the dude in the white hoodie who had an opinion about everything and cared to share it with his brosef and anyone in a twenty foot radius of him the night went well. It was good to hear familiar songs in an unfamiliar time. It was like coming home again but knowing that where you have been has been just as important as where you want to go.

a thought from my day.

From Rainer Maria Rilke:
Letters to a Young Poet, pg. 39.

Celebrate Christmas, dear Mr. Kappus, in this devout feeling that perhaps He needs this very fear of life from you in order to begin; these very days of your transition are perhaps the time when everything in you is working at him, as you have already once. In childhood, breathlessly worked at him. Be patient and without resentment and think that the least we can do is to make his becoming not more difficult for him than the earth makes it for the spring when it wants to come.

Friday, June 20, 2008

a sigh of relief.

It's been some time.
The clocks hands have continued to turn and life has moved on.
Some days were so slow
While there were weeks that ended as soon as they started.

The graduation cap was placed on my head
and another candle was on top of my birthday cake.
There were parties
and beer
and a huge pizza.

and there has been sleeping
and sweltering heat
and movie watching.
and re-reading Harry Potter.

Life keeps moving
and I feel like it should
and I will continue.

but it will not look like it did two weeks ago
or a year ago.
Life keeps moving and instead of being afraid
I am choosing to live my life
and not listen to lies
and fears
and the should haves.

This is my life today
and it consists of listening
and growing
and not feeling sorry for myself

but it consists of fighting for what i believe in
and it means in believing in myself
and my gifts and my talents
and that my profession is not practical
but it should be a hell of alot of fun....

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Monday, June 2, 2008

and the viewers choice...

In the last ten years....
Who would you say
are the most important
or singers?

I really would love to hear a response.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

If I was Carrie Bradshaw.

Sex and the City was a show I was reluctant to watch. I was an "evangelical conservative" and we didn't watch shows that had to do with sex, relationships, or physicality. It was my sister who urged me to see the show when there was an episode concerning body image. I loved the raw conversation of four women sitting in an apartment discussing life and not being afraid to talk about what is really on their minds.

So when I heard the movie was coming out I knew where I would be opening day. In the theaters. And I was....

I sat in the theatre around noon, by myself, and enjoyed the fact that I could enjoy the next two hours not thinking about homework, stress, what's next, or what has happened. I sat and I enjoyed what seemed to be an extension of the show. It was like four more episodes of relationships, fashion, and friendship. I loved every moment of it!! If you are not a fan of the show then you will think the movie is trite or cheesy. If you were a fan of the show than it was great to see the what is next in the lives of the four women we assimilate ourselves to.

The colors were brilliant and the plot a lot of fun. I found myself in tears and quite loud laughter. It brought up things in my life that only Sex and the City has been able to do for me. It is honest and asks the tough question of being a woman and wanting it all!! The plot itself drew emotions out of me I wasn't ready for! I wasn't ready to miss my friends from home. I wasn't ready to realize how much I miss being in a relationship. I wasn't ready to think that I might want to live in New York one day. I wasn't ready for those thoughts to be there.

I loved the film. Even if there was some plot pitfalls. I loved that there was hope in forgiveness and hope in love. I am not a major sap but it was worth my time. Next time I see it (because there will be a second, and probably a third and fourth) I will go with my friends. The beautiful ladies that are in my life that are willing to be bold and ask the tough questions.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I am so unmotivated
to get anything done
I am grateful for
online scrabble
to make me feel like
i am being productive.

though i have so much homework
it's ridiculous.


Saturday, May 24, 2008

stripped blankets and cold sheets.

I battle
back and forth
with the thoughts that
keep me bound
to this bed

i wonder what it would have been
like if i didn't think
about your body as it
laid so still
your voice so close to
my ears
and the smile that rarely

i wonder what it might

if things were different
and the lonely nights
were filled
with laughter
and the acknowledgment
that we were no longer alone

it is these thoughts
that keep me now
staring out dark windows
to the sidewalks that are wet
and quiet
lone cigarette butts inhabiting the asphalt

your footsteps were there
on those cement cracks
i can see your feet
like the dream
that you once carried
in your tattered green notebook
and your sleep deprived eyes

I imagined you
and now what is real is
the blue pillow noticeably untouched.

Monday, May 19, 2008


I have been sick. The last two weeks have progressed from this...

and this.....

to feeling angry and bored and sick.
really sick.
and food poisoning.

and today it felt like the clouds parted quite a bit
and fresh energy was renewed.

and with the heat....
it's been so hot
and I all I want to do is watch
and lay in bed and eat popsicles.

But I got up today and I faced the day
but it took yoga
and prayer
and believing in myself
to know that
something was going to come from the day

but it had to take
laying in bed
confronting the demons
and cleansing myself from the
and bitterness
of the situation.

Friday, May 16, 2008

endless search for something that will never be perfect.

Searching for Jobs may be one of the most daunting tasks
ever created by man
it makes me feel
all of my inadequacies
and wonder for the thousandth time
why I am on the path that I am on

and i doubt
and it opens the doors for all of my fears
to show themselves
and reveal all the little
and wonder

and I know somewhere it will
make sense
even amid all the nonsense

I know it will work out
but that knowledge does not make
this process any easier.


Help some friends get to Thailand.
It is worth the minute to watch the video...
so they can make a movie
about child sex trafficking

The Sold Project

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

what might be is never certain.

I have been inspired to
move beyond the page
and beyond the expectations

they were so heavy
and they were never mine
in the first place
and I don't think they were yours

and were given to you
like the old pocket watch
with your great grandfathers initials
and the limbs
of your family tree

i want to live
without the knowledge
or the weight
of your lies

or your thoughts

as they are so heavy
upon my dreams

Sunday, May 11, 2008

diet coca cola and unlit cigarettes

in the background i heard familiar tones
and i knew without a shadow of a doubt what it was
they are the soft melodies
and raspy voice

sons that i know like the scars on the back of my hand
it rendered me speechless

and i was caught in a moment
and forgot what i was about to say

and the candlelight
made me want to curl up on the floor
and a glass of wine
and sit in it's notes
it's sounds
it's vision of something

and that something is always different
just like i feel different
i think of you
and then i smile
because i know you are happy
and i am to

and in a different place
that I didn't think I would be in

and i know that distance
does change perspective.
i have been so sick.
sorry for the lack of updates.

the thoughts are coming together now.
they were not last week.

i finally slept less than ten hours last night.
it normally doesn't work like that.

Friday, May 2, 2008

thoughts from a tired friday

I used to be so ashamed of my profession.
I hated being a youth pastor
When I went out on Friday nights
And people had jobs that
Put money in their banks
And their Wednesday evening frees
I secretly wished I chose something different

I don’t mind it so much anymore

There are days where I wouldn’t mind
Being a youth pastor again
I wouldn’t mind
The lack of responsibility

I guess it really is a push and pull.
What you will be
when you are to tired
to become a scholar


It's refreshing to know i have some possabilities.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

because theology told me so.

we blame the revolution
as something that disrupted
our social order
of perfection
of the white males design

if we really believe in freedom
if we really believe in love
than why are we questing over
the right belief
the right answer

i don't have time for the right truth

what i have time for
is creating beauty

because those are hard

those bring understanding
and paint brushes
glue sticks
and stickers in the shape of stars
and dancing

lots of dancing
and lots of joy
lots of life to be lived
without the constraints of

boundaries set up
with your ideals
and fence posts
with barbed fires
of the right ideas.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008


My hair was cut yesterday
There was something holding me down
and it was heavy

so we took some scissors
and let it go

with the hair
was the past
and the brokenness
and the expectations
and the fear

with the cut of the scissors i let it go

i let go of the stuff that suffocates
the fear that binds

as the strands fell to the floor
the weight felt like lone balloons
rising higher in the sky

i will mourn of the loss of time
and freedom I should have felt
but it is only life
as it is only hair.