Saturday, May 31, 2008

If I was Carrie Bradshaw.

Sex and the City was a show I was reluctant to watch. I was an "evangelical conservative" and we didn't watch shows that had to do with sex, relationships, or physicality. It was my sister who urged me to see the show when there was an episode concerning body image. I loved the raw conversation of four women sitting in an apartment discussing life and not being afraid to talk about what is really on their minds.

So when I heard the movie was coming out I knew where I would be opening day. In the theaters. And I was....

I sat in the theatre around noon, by myself, and enjoyed the fact that I could enjoy the next two hours not thinking about homework, stress, what's next, or what has happened. I sat and I enjoyed what seemed to be an extension of the show. It was like four more episodes of relationships, fashion, and friendship. I loved every moment of it!! If you are not a fan of the show then you will think the movie is trite or cheesy. If you were a fan of the show than it was great to see the what is next in the lives of the four women we assimilate ourselves to.

The colors were brilliant and the plot a lot of fun. I found myself in tears and quite loud laughter. It brought up things in my life that only Sex and the City has been able to do for me. It is honest and asks the tough question of being a woman and wanting it all!! The plot itself drew emotions out of me I wasn't ready for! I wasn't ready to miss my friends from home. I wasn't ready to realize how much I miss being in a relationship. I wasn't ready to think that I might want to live in New York one day. I wasn't ready for those thoughts to be there.

I loved the film. Even if there was some plot pitfalls. I loved that there was hope in forgiveness and hope in love. I am not a major sap but it was worth my time. Next time I see it (because there will be a second, and probably a third and fourth) I will go with my friends. The beautiful ladies that are in my life that are willing to be bold and ask the tough questions.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I am so unmotivated
to get anything done
I am grateful for
online scrabble
to make me feel like
i am being productive.

though i have so much homework
it's ridiculous.


Saturday, May 24, 2008

stripped blankets and cold sheets.

I battle
back and forth
with the thoughts that
keep me bound
to this bed

i wonder what it would have been
like if i didn't think
about your body as it
laid so still
your voice so close to
my ears
and the smile that rarely

i wonder what it might

if things were different
and the lonely nights
were filled
with laughter
and the acknowledgment
that we were no longer alone

it is these thoughts
that keep me now
staring out dark windows
to the sidewalks that are wet
and quiet
lone cigarette butts inhabiting the asphalt

your footsteps were there
on those cement cracks
i can see your feet
like the dream
that you once carried
in your tattered green notebook
and your sleep deprived eyes

I imagined you
and now what is real is
the blue pillow noticeably untouched.

Monday, May 19, 2008


I have been sick. The last two weeks have progressed from this...

and this.....

to feeling angry and bored and sick.
really sick.
and food poisoning.

and today it felt like the clouds parted quite a bit
and fresh energy was renewed.

and with the heat....
it's been so hot
and I all I want to do is watch
and lay in bed and eat popsicles.

But I got up today and I faced the day
but it took yoga
and prayer
and believing in myself
to know that
something was going to come from the day

but it had to take
laying in bed
confronting the demons
and cleansing myself from the
and bitterness
of the situation.

Friday, May 16, 2008

endless search for something that will never be perfect.

Searching for Jobs may be one of the most daunting tasks
ever created by man
it makes me feel
all of my inadequacies
and wonder for the thousandth time
why I am on the path that I am on

and i doubt
and it opens the doors for all of my fears
to show themselves
and reveal all the little
and wonder

and I know somewhere it will
make sense
even amid all the nonsense

I know it will work out
but that knowledge does not make
this process any easier.


Help some friends get to Thailand.
It is worth the minute to watch the video...
so they can make a movie
about child sex trafficking

The Sold Project

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

what might be is never certain.

I have been inspired to
move beyond the page
and beyond the expectations

they were so heavy
and they were never mine
in the first place
and I don't think they were yours

and were given to you
like the old pocket watch
with your great grandfathers initials
and the limbs
of your family tree

i want to live
without the knowledge
or the weight
of your lies

or your thoughts

as they are so heavy
upon my dreams

Sunday, May 11, 2008

diet coca cola and unlit cigarettes

in the background i heard familiar tones
and i knew without a shadow of a doubt what it was
they are the soft melodies
and raspy voice

sons that i know like the scars on the back of my hand
it rendered me speechless

and i was caught in a moment
and forgot what i was about to say

and the candlelight
made me want to curl up on the floor
and a glass of wine
and sit in it's notes
it's sounds
it's vision of something

and that something is always different
just like i feel different
i think of you
and then i smile
because i know you are happy
and i am to

and in a different place
that I didn't think I would be in

and i know that distance
does change perspective.
i have been so sick.
sorry for the lack of updates.

the thoughts are coming together now.
they were not last week.

i finally slept less than ten hours last night.
it normally doesn't work like that.

Friday, May 2, 2008

thoughts from a tired friday

I used to be so ashamed of my profession.
I hated being a youth pastor
When I went out on Friday nights
And people had jobs that
Put money in their banks
And their Wednesday evening frees
I secretly wished I chose something different

I don’t mind it so much anymore

There are days where I wouldn’t mind
Being a youth pastor again
I wouldn’t mind
The lack of responsibility

I guess it really is a push and pull.
What you will be
when you are to tired
to become a scholar


It's refreshing to know i have some possabilities.