birds of a feather

I have been quiet lately. I don't know if it's that I have nothing to say, that I have been overwhelmed with change, or that I have disjointed myself from that place of writing and I need to find the road back home. I am at work and i don't know why but I felt compelled to write, right now.

Lately (and when I say lately I mean the last few months) I have been aware of the flocking of birds, the patterns, the necessity of community and togetherness in their traveling. I am compelled by these birds. Every single day I see their movements or their resting. Living in Michigan you would think they would have been long gone by now, migratting to warmer weather and mates. But the weather has been unseasonable and they are staying and allowing me to be in shock or awe when they move and soar together.

Everyday i see their swooping. The movement. Soaring.

I am reminded that I am not alone. I don't have to do this thing called life again. I am sure some of these birds have had collisions with one another, that they are out of formation, line if you will. I am sure they are still in the flock. I hope that I can find my flock. The group of people that you gather and soar with. That you move into new places and new journeys. My fellow friends are scattered all over the place and I know one day we to shall be together but it's been awhile....and i am sure it will continue to be awhile but i know that those birds are my daily reminder to put myself out there. To continue to try new things and find new people. To create. To renew. To grow. To be challenged. To be changed.

beauty upon beauty.

I spent the morning being tired. I was tired because of the beauty of community, friendship, true love, and laughter. I can only say that I know some of the most amazing people in the world. These people are kind, loving, gracious, beautiful, free spirited, and connected to a beautiful God who is never limited.

I stood up in the Sparks-Graeser wedding that ultimately so beautiful with a blue sky, cool shade, green grass, and love that is tireless.

I am grateful for the people who challenge me.
Who push me endlessly.
Who love without having to try.
Who are good. Who fail and pick themselves back up.
They fight with their voices rather than their fists.
They inspire me to be better.

They inspire me to continue to be honest and open.
They inspire me to create. To think of new ideas and to approach life with vigor and always with a smile.

I can never give up
I can never give in

when i have friends like these.

a pretty song for you.

I am sipping on a cup of coffee
listening to another day by the album leaf



it is supposed to rain
and i have my favorite sweater on
my dog by my feet
attempting to find a good book to read

there is something about this simplicity that breathes new life
into the lungs that are old and tired
i think some of it has to do with the fact that i am
growing

older
up
wiser
dumber
softer
feminine
sanguine
(I like that word)

and the stacks of books in the corners of my room
are calling my name
now that I put aside the remote control
for the option of controlling the input of my own brain

thinking through the beauty of the words from Gloria Steinem
hope for equality
and peace
and desire
to have knowledge about our land
and our space
and making a difference

whatever that can mean for you....

sigh.

When I left LA I left this blog behind.
I was so inspired when i was laying in my bed with blue walls
la cucaracha playing in my neighborhood
the fans hum
the noise
the slamming of the door
the cringe

i got home tonight and i sat on the couch
i have lost my stride
my original thought

i feel blank
i feel bored
i feel uninspired

yet i don't feel alone

i just want to find my path
i just want to find a home
to call my own
to not want to put on my feathered wings
and fly away

i just want something to feel normal
to pay my bills on time
to maybe save some money
to feel connected to the community
and have a place where i know is my home.

a question posed

If i could imagine a life where something made sense
would i have to be dead?

are things now supposed to be this way?
will questions always persist?
in satisfaction not guaranteed?

what keeps my feet from moving forward?
what keeps my hands so still?
as i question the answers seem trivial
as more questions continue to pile up

something has to stop for something new to begin.
ok
then stop. start. open.



close.

so this is the new year...

It's been a long time since i have been
motivated
to move

not my feet or my hands
but to move my mind to find
new dreams
and new passions
and a new breath in my lungs

I don't know what the new year will bring
i don't know what 2009 will provide

but 2008 has a single finger raised to it's calendar page
and i wave fond farewell
and I don't look back
so that you may see my eyes one last time.

the piles get higher

I had piles and piles of things all around my room
and I don't collect things or horde
it was an avoidance to deal with my life
so by cleaning the mess in my immediate surroundings help the mess that happens to be my life?

I am one broken lady
that sits at the bottom of the bit
I am broken
but something that is different than the rest of these times
is that i don't feel alone.

it's that i almost catch myself
when i want to say that i might be
but I am not
and I know that is the truth.

What the truth holds is something of an unknown
and I feel so broken
and the path is not in a place where it is easily found.

and so life continues....
and I hope I don't bury myself

because those clothes
mimic the fears
i dress myself everyday in.

seasons

For some time now I have felt like I have had a boulder on my chest and stomach.
There was nothing I could say and there was even less I could do.
I was really good at going through the motions.
I am becoming a pro.

but deep down I am hoping that life has more to offer
and I will take all the advantages it hands to me
and some days are hard
and others are even harder
but you know that you can rise above the sadness
and one day see the beauty of it all.

I hope that life shows me more than the same pattern I have been living in.
Pain and heartache
pain and heartache
laughter
smile
trip



pain


smile.

i could write today.
that is a good feeling.
and the seasons are changing
so it doesn't seem so alone
that I am changing as well.

my mother.

I wrote and spoke this at my mothers funeral. It is in tribute to her:

I am truly honored and humbled to be before you today, the daughter of one of the most amazing women I have ever known. I realize that I may be biased because of my relation to her, but I can honestly say after yesterday’s funeral visitation, I know that I am not alone in these sentiments.

Kristy Kaherl was a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. There are so many words that define this woman and yet sometimes words are never enough. This woman I get to call mother was a friend to everyone that she met… A random person on the street, behind the McDonalds drive-thru window, in church, in a school, in the doctors waiting room. She had a gift of being to ask you questions about your life. The answers were important and you then became an instant friend. I have been told that people were confused by this kindness, could she really be that nice? All I can say is that she was. She was the definition of kindness and compassion. Living out the ideas like hope, faith, and love.

Her eyes sparkled with joy, they danced with wonder and amazement. She always found a way to turn any situation into something that could be smiled at or better yet… laughed with. She would do this thing where she always talked with her hands, or do little dances. She was supportive to everyone and always SO brave. Brave in the way she fought year after year against the breast cancer. Brave to follow her dreams, goals, and aspirations. Brave to wake up every morning and find the good in everything and more important everyone.

Some of her accomplishments include the following: She received her bachelors’ degree in 1971 from Michigan State University, master’s degree in 1973 and Education Specialist in 1981 from Wayne State University. She was awarded Teacher of the Year in through Utica Schools and highly recognized for her work as an Administrator in 2001. She was awarded Mother of the Year at Bethesda Christian Church in 2006. The programs she started and the people who were influenced are numerous.

My mother was an absolute blessing. She always wore a smile on her face and she always had a diet coke in her hand. What we saw on a daily basis was strength, faith, love, and unending hope. Her faith was so strong. She always knew that God’s hand was on her life. She believed that God was moving, her strong tower, and her strength. God would fight for my mother and my mother would fight for God. All glory, honor, and praise was given to God because everyday was a gift. Each day was an exploration and she was so excited to explore it.

My mother was proud of her daughters Amy and Lindsay, loved Doug with unending love and support, blessed to be a daughter to Norma and Robert Bott, proud to be the sister of Bonnie Burns, loved being an aunt and great aunt, even if you weren’t related she may have been an aunt to you, and excited to be a friend.

Thank you for being here today and sharing this day with us. May we go on celebrating Kristy’s life.

the time spent with her has revealed

now that i have returned.

The trip was good
and the realness of the situation has presented itself 100%

I get overwhelmed with life
but never with love
the love of my mother
the love of my friend
the love of my father

and you see death in many different places
and you thin those emotions were fake
or unreal
or unnecessary

and then you have the same emotions
and you are traversed into a different space
where life and art coincide for sometime

I don't know if the rain was planned
but the overcast sky sets the tone for
something out of our control

i feel sad
but their is a glimmer of hope
and a desire to be able to trust myself
through this time
but I know i am not alone.
but this is tougher than i thought it would be

saying see you soon.

i have been a bad blogger but I needed a break from writing.
and processing.
and needing them to be here

i needed to be someplace else
and i will return.

but it is with sad news.
and i am sure sadder news in the future.

but I start on the road tomorrow
to head back to what some may argue 'home'

but my home seems to be here
rather than there
and i would like to stay here
but i need to go there
so i shall go

with my best friend
and my little car
and a few of my possessions

but i will update thought
and ideas
and dreams
and processing.

because this is what you need to do
when the woman who gave you life
may be to close to death.

when a bad day is had a conversation on music involving beer seems to do the trick.

A small night of energy and a picnic that included guacamole without tortilla chips.

Summers in LA are normally hot. The hot where you don't want to go outside because there is smog in the air and you are afraid that your now exposed legs may stick to the leather in the overly hot interior of your car. But the weather has been nice the last couple of weeks and the thought of enjoying the outdoors has been all so appealing. So last weekend some friends and I grabbed the bus to the hollywood bowl and saw the high energy of Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings and Feist .

Hosted by local NPR station, KCRW, the outdoors show was a fun way to spend a late July Sunday evening. Sharon Jones was fun, high energy, and quite exciting. Before I knew it there were many people around me dancing with their friends and quite enjoying themselves with the soulful vocal stylings from Sharon Jones. She has the ability to command the stage with full control that reminds anyone of James Brown. She has skills to move her body while she tells her stories with with amazing funk musicians back her up. She brought the energy and she certainly brought the funk and what I thought was a fantastic opening act for someone that what I thought would have high energy as well.....

.....Feist. The last time I saw Feist it was high energy, fun, and took a large space and made it feel like everyone in the room could be my next best friend. This time I felt like Feist was sad, dealing with something so much bigger than herself. The set was stripped down, choosing to open with a poem that harkened the old west and folk americana tales. She was dressed in a dress with fringe down the arms and a cowboy hat. The songs she chose were sad in nature and the songs like, "I Feel it All" and the every popular "1 2 3 4" seemed to be pulled back, slowed down, and a new way of hearing songs that are often heard as a copy of the recorded version.

We were surprised after what seemed like ten songs that she bowed and said good night. With a song to finish out the encore the show was over and evening complete. I was a bit surprised by her set. After the super high energy and true crowd amper, Sharon Jones, Feist just seemed to lack the energy to make my feet keep dancing.

Overall the evening was fun and it made me believe in the beauty of humanity and the what can happen when you are surrounded by strangers. I had to sit by myself because of the late purchase of my ticket but I never felt alone. I was offered cheese, wine, crackers, and potato chips by strangers that never knew my name. It was a beautiful cool evening. An energy in the air of picnicking lovers and friends. I felt lucky to be in a space that in a city that is known to be isolated and individualistic and didn't feel alone for one moment.

through the looking glass

There is so much happening and going on
and a lot of it has to do with fear
and the unknown
and growing up
and changing.

I know that I will be ok
I just have to make choices
that lead me to what I want
rather than what is
comfortable
and easy

I don't know what these choices are
and i don't know what or where they
might lead

but what i do know
is that i am smart
and capable
and aware
gifted
talented
and loved.

and i know that a lot of people are as well
but i won't be afraid
or least i will try not to be

what i am afraid of the most of
how many girls have been affected
because I have been afraid.

a thought from my day.

From Rainer Maria Rilke:
Letters to a Young Poet, pg. 39.

Celebrate Christmas, dear Mr. Kappus, in this devout feeling that perhaps He needs this very fear of life from you in order to begin; these very days of your transition are perhaps the time when everything in you is working at him, as you have already once. In childhood, breathlessly worked at him. Be patient and without resentment and think that the least we can do is to make his becoming not more difficult for him than the earth makes it for the spring when it wants to come.

If I was Carrie Bradshaw.

Sex and the City was a show I was reluctant to watch. I was an "evangelical conservative" and we didn't watch shows that had to do with sex, relationships, or physicality. It was my sister who urged me to see the show when there was an episode concerning body image. I loved the raw conversation of four women sitting in an apartment discussing life and not being afraid to talk about what is really on their minds.

So when I heard the movie was coming out I knew where I would be opening day. In the theaters. And I was....

I sat in the theatre around noon, by myself, and enjoyed the fact that I could enjoy the next two hours not thinking about homework, stress, what's next, or what has happened. I sat and I enjoyed what seemed to be an extension of the show. It was like four more episodes of relationships, fashion, and friendship. I loved every moment of it!! If you are not a fan of the show then you will think the movie is trite or cheesy. If you were a fan of the show than it was great to see the what is next in the lives of the four women we assimilate ourselves to.

The colors were brilliant and the plot a lot of fun. I found myself in tears and quite loud laughter. It brought up things in my life that only Sex and the City has been able to do for me. It is honest and asks the tough question of being a woman and wanting it all!! The plot itself drew emotions out of me I wasn't ready for! I wasn't ready to miss my friends from home. I wasn't ready to realize how much I miss being in a relationship. I wasn't ready to think that I might want to live in New York one day. I wasn't ready for those thoughts to be there.

I loved the film. Even if there was some plot pitfalls. I loved that there was hope in forgiveness and hope in love. I am not a major sap but it was worth my time. Next time I see it (because there will be a second, and probably a third and fourth) I will go with my friends. The beautiful ladies that are in my life that are willing to be bold and ask the tough questions.

I am so unmotivated
to get anything done
I am grateful for
online scrabble
to make me feel like
i am being productive.

though i have so much homework
it's ridiculous.

boo.....

progress

I have been sick. The last two weeks have progressed from this...



and this.....



to feeling angry and bored and sick.
really sick.
and food poisoning.


and today it felt like the clouds parted quite a bit
and fresh energy was renewed.



and with the heat....
it's been so hot
and I all I want to do is watch
TV
and lay in bed and eat popsicles.


But I got up today and I faced the day
but it took yoga
and prayer
and believing in myself
to know that
something was going to come from the day

but it had to take
laying in bed
confronting the demons
and cleansing myself from the
hate
and bitterness
of the situation.

endless search for something that will never be perfect.

Searching for Jobs may be one of the most daunting tasks
ever created by man
it makes me feel
all of my inadequacies
and wonder for the thousandth time
why I am on the path that I am on

and i doubt
and it opens the doors for all of my fears
to show themselves
and reveal all the little
bitty
insecurities
and wonder
why

and I know somewhere it will
make sense
even amid all the nonsense

I know it will work out
but that knowledge does not make
this process any easier.