because theology told me so.

we blame the revolution
as something that disrupted
our social order
of perfection
of the white males design

if we really believe in freedom
if we really believe in love
than why are we questing over
power
the right belief
the right answer

i don't have time for the right truth

what i have time for
is creating beauty
stillness
love
hope
faith

because those are hard


those bring understanding
and paint brushes
glue sticks
glitter
and stickers in the shape of stars
and dancing

lots of dancing
and lots of joy
lots of life to be lived
without the constraints of

boundaries set up
with your ideals
and fence posts
with barbed fires
of the right ideas.

snip.

My hair was cut yesterday
There was something holding me down
and it was heavy

so we took some scissors
and let it go

with the hair
was the past
and the brokenness
and the expectations
and the fear

with the cut of the scissors i let it go

i let go of the stuff that suffocates
the fear that binds

as the strands fell to the floor
the weight felt like lone balloons
rising higher in the sky

i will mourn of the loss of time
and freedom I should have felt
but it is only life
as it is only hair.

monster parts

do you remember the cartoons
with the monsters that were fake
and you knew
because you could see the zipper

that's how i feel
not so much the monster
part
but the part with the zipper

the zipper is opening
and a new creation
is emerging.
shedding the old fur
and revealing something
new


but it's still so fresh

and the new is still yet to be unseen

because
i think the zipper is caught
on something
and I keep trying to jiggle it free
but it's stuck
and the polyester won't breathe.
and it's hot
and I just want to move on
get out of the monster

breathe

jiggle

breathe

jiggle

breathe

so tired.

Some days it is easier
than others
to fight the battles
inside your mind.

today I am tired
and the nagging voice
of pessimism
sounds so much louder
than the voice of
clarity.

and it's been distracting
and i don't know where the
day disappeared to.

and i wanted to be calm
but i was an ocean
of activity
and disruption
or maybe it was the knowledge
that nothing is getting done
and nothing is moving
forward
because i am
tired

and all i want to do
is nothing
but read your stories
and thoughts
and dreams
but that will not do
because there is theology
to be done.

wilco is right
theologians
they don't know nothing about my soul.

i hope i do.

wristcutters.

We won't get what we want until
it doesn't matter anymore.
Was expressed in a film.
but in my real life.
I talked about this idea over lunch.

how do we let go?
in a space where we are supposed
to have it all
and not trip over our failures
and have straight A's
while having children
and being married by the age of 22

I don't have that
but what i have is
a sense
of what is to become.

an idea that is whole
rather than fragmented
all those desires need to be trumped
with a smile and possibility
when my eyes open
to the sun arousing me
in the morning

and when the sunsets
i am there to remind you
that you will be okay
and that life happened
while you ran around today
fufilling your dreams

you have to let it
go
to a place
where your hands are free.

2+2=2+2=2+2

These feelings are being tucked away
the feeling that you are about to puke
or cower under your covers

how can a three minute interaction
be so damaging
how can a phone call disrupt
a smile
or a laugh
how can it hold you in a holding pattern?

how long can I run in circles?
i am tired.
for so many reasons
and this being on repeat isn't
making it any easier.

i want to break out of these cycles
can you find me?
can you pick me up?
and steal my records
so that i might not hear this
one more time
or at least feel like i could listen to
something else
that i haven't heard before

but i can't
just like so much of my life
i found the holes in the snow
and following that path
rather than creating a new one

the sweater is getting a little to tight
and i am tired of it smelling
like yesterday
and the yesterday before this one.
can you find me?
so I can start new patterns?
i am running pretty thin.

lay with me awhile.

It's like every few weeks I have the need
to purge
my things.
tidy up the space.
receive a clean head
and a clean heart.



I stay here most of my days.
when i am not tamping grounds.
or taking notes.
or watching someone elses children.

i usually like to create here.
with my head on my pillows.
and my bck up against the wall.
the window provides a vision of what is out there
and i have the chance to close the blinds and believe
that there is something else out there.

i like this space.
so much that i have called it home.
unpacked all the boxes.
set up shop.



i have laid my guard down.
because it is just to heavy to carry.
and this is something i can do.