I don't know if it's being in school during the summer or lack of some sort of pattern or order but the summer doesn't bring 'blasts' or 'fun' for me. I don't know if it's all the planning for the upcoming fall or the lack of any sort of season change but i think the summers in california are as weird and uncomfortable as the winters in the midwest. You know that it is only going to get hotter and hotter. It's kind of like the winters and it's February when you realize and recognize that it's going to snow for two more months. That's it here but just extreme heat.
I think it's the transitions here at a school where people come and go quite frequently. I feel lucky to be at Fuller and great new opportunities are rising at a fairly consistent basis. But I feel lately like I am directionless or in a state of growth. I am not ready to bloom. I am not ready to have all my brilliant colors be seen. It's awkward this thing called growth. I am so used to change and right now my life is steady, predictable, healthy. I think it's like that Sex and the City episode that Carrie wakes up freaking out because for the first time in her life that nothing is going wrong. Maybe things are to safe! Or my body knows something is going to happen around the bend.
Life is fun, strange even. This is the first time since I was 18 where I haven't moved in a year. I have just sat and stared at that sentence and searched my memory to see if it is true, because certainly that seems impossible. But yet that is the truth. I look at that and know that I am always shifting and changing. My thoughts like my life pattern are similar to this shifting and changing. I am always revising and replacing what I know and what needs to be updated. My life is constantly changing. I am ready to move forward and I am ready to see truth in all it's movements and flux.
I am tired and weary. I know that if I were to bloom today it would be to early but the part of me that needs a push or a jolt is ready and waiting for that.